Love & Respect Workbook

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.