Love & Respect Workbook

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Your words reveal your heart.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?