Love & Respect Workbook

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.