Love & Respect Workbook

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.