Motivating Your Man God’s Way (Book Set and Free CD)

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)