Mother & Son

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Your words reveal your heart.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)