The Crazy Cycle In The Workplace - Study Guide (Download)

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.