Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.