Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.