Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!