Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.