Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.