Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.