Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

We are equal but we are not the same.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.