Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”