Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.