Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Your words reveal your heart.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.