Love & Respect Book

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Your words reveal your heart.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.