The 4 Wills of God

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

God is good and wants what is best for us.