The 4 Wills of God

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

We are equal but we are not the same.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.