The 4 Wills of God

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

We are equal but we are not the same.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.