The 4 Wills of God

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Your words reveal your heart.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.