The 4 Wills of God

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

We are equal but we are not the same.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Your words reveal your heart.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.