The 4 Wills of God

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.