The 4 Wills of God

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.