The 4 Wills of God

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.