The 4 Wills of God

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Your words reveal your heart.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.