The 4 Wills of God

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

God is good and wants what is best for us.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.