Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

We are equal but we are not the same.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.