Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

God is good and wants what is best for us.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.