Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.