Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Your words reveal your heart.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.