Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.