Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.