Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

We are equal but we are not the same.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!