Love & Respect Live Conference Notebook

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.