The Illumination Project

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.