The Illumination Project

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.