The Illumination Project

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.