The Language of Love & Respect Workbook

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

We are equal but we are not the same.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.