The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Your words reveal your heart.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.