The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.