The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

When you possess a forgiving spirit, words of Love and Respect will flow authentically from your lips- and realize that the Lord Himself is listening to you at moments like these. He knows you are not powerless, but actually full of power that He has granted you.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Your words reveal your heart.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.