The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

We are equal but we are not the same.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.