The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

We are equal but we are not the same.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.