The Language of Love & Respect

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

Your words reveal your heart.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Words of Love and Respect must include thankfulness spoken to or about your spouse; don’t fixate on weaknesses and faults.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!