The Language of Love & Respect

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

We are equal but we are not the same.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

His love blesses regardless of her respect; her respect blesses regardless of his love.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.