The Language of Love & Respect

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Your words reveal your heart.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

When your wife comes to talk to you, listen to her. Realize she is coming to you because you matter more to her than anyone else. She has certain emotional needs and only you can meet them. Sometimes she may say things that don’t make sense to you and she is apt to misspeak and exaggerate when she is upset, but don’t put her down. Instead, listen to her heart. Give her a chance to express her concerns and, as she does so, don’t try to fix her. Don’t give her your solutions unless she asks for them.