The Language of Love & Respect

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

The heart of my communication means the other person cannot get my heart to be unkind, unloving, or disrespectful. Instead, I have made a decision about who I will be independent of the other person. I won’t blame my unkindness on someone else.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

If you want your wife to express appreciation for your attempts to be loving, you must use thankful words when she tries to speak or act respectfully.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

“You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice.”

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

[Women], as you enter quiet dignity, not preaching at your husband or scolding him as though you were his mother, something happens in his soul as a male.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.