The Language of Love & Respect

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

You can experience hurt, but it is your choice to hate.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

We all need to wrestle with the spiritual truth that God is good. If you don’t believe God is good, you won’t trust His word. If you don’t trust His word, you will find excuses to ignore His commands.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Husbands, to energize your wife give her face-to-face time, allowing her to talk and share her feelings.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Your words reveal your heart.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

No matter what your struggle- criticism, constant conflict, sex, money, parenting, harsh words- learning to communicate the Love and Respect way can help you make crucial changes and build the kind of relationship that God blesses.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Feeling unloved, a wife gets defensive and acts offensively without respect. Feeling disrespected, a husband gets defensive and acts offensively without love.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.