MALE TIME IS NOT SUPERFICIAL

For this reason an observer must pay close attention, otherwise—and this is true for many women—they view male time together as superficial. A cartoon depicted the difference between a college gal who went on a date and a college guy who went on a date. 

When the gal returned to her dorm room the girls gathered to talk in detail about what happened. 

When the guy returned, his roommate asked, “How was the time?” He replied, “Good.” 

To some women this is proof that men have shallow relationships. Some women pass judgment on the quality of a man’s relationships based on the female way of connecting. Some label men as relationally challenged because men do not talk about the same things women talk about. 

For example: Bob goes deer hunting with Pete. After three days in northern Michigan, both return home. Bob’s wife, Mary, asks, “How was your time with Pete?” 

“Good.”

“What did you talk about?”

“Nothing really.”

“You mean you were with Pete three days and never talked with Pete about Kelly’s pregnancy?”

“Is Kelly pregnant?” 

When Mary hears that they never talked about Kelly’s pregnancy, she passes judgment on the quality of the relationship that Bob and Pete have. But I say to these women, “Bob would literally die for Pete. Would you die for your best girlfriend?” Many women remain silent on that question. She does not think in terms of dying for her BFF. Men are willing to die and Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). 

To Jesus, self-sacrifice reveals the depth of a relationship, and not that two men get together to talk about pregnancies and leave Hallmark cards. This does not let men off the hook for cold indifference, but neither does it justify a self-righteous attitude in women that condemns men as relationally shallow and inept. 

MEN ARE NOT WRONG, JUST DIFFERENT 

Men are not wrong, just different. When wives land on a dogmatic position that their husbands are wrong, these wives miss a glorious way to energize their husbands and connect with them heart to heart. Wives must not view the shoulder-to-shoulder recommendation as degrading to women. 

We are not belittling a woman’s need to connect with face-to-face time. We are not arguing that she subtract this from her marital repertoire. Instead, add shoulder-to-shoulder time without talking. This leads to men opening up more. 

Listen to this wife’s discovery, 

“Reading the chapter on “Relationship - His Desire for Friendship” reminded me of being pregnant with my first baby four years ago. Usually when driving anywhere, I talk a mile a minute. After all, I have my husband’s undivided attention! Then I got pregnant. And life changed. . . . For most of 9 rather long months, I spent our driving time with my mouth clamped shut, trying to keep from barfing all over the place. Do you know what happened? (Obviously you do since you wrote that most informative chapter :-). My husband started talking! I learned things about him that even after 9 years of marriage, I still didn’t know. In fact, he may have talked more in those 9 months than he’d talked in the previous 9 years! Totally clueless as to the sudden change (we’re talking pink sunglasses, hearing aids, and clothing here), I finally asked him about it. He looked surprised and said, ‘Honey, I’ve just been waiting to get a word in edgewise!’ Thanks so much for the reminder that if I keep my mouth shut during side-by-side time, my husband will share his heart.” 

She discovered three things. 

1. This was shoulder to shoulder. 
2. She did not talk. 
3. He started talking about things she never knew. 

HIS AND HER MARRIAGE 

Sadly, a wife can go a decade and be oblivious since she feels they are communicating. Looking more closely one sees only her talking. At first glance that seems a good thing. She feels good about the marriage. She brags to her friends, “We talk. We communicate. We connect.” Going deeper, one ferrets out the husband’s lack of energy in the marriage. He comments, “We do not talk. She talks. I am glad that I can make her feel better but this isn’t my idea of friendship. This is all about how she feels. It is pointless to bring my thoughts to her about this. She will want to talk about it.” 

One day she goes quiet either because of nausea or a Love & Respect class, which could be connected! She sits with him side by side without talking or asking questions. She watches the football game with him, just cuddled up with her lips buttoned up. (I mean no disrespect to any wife but want her to encounter what I know will transpire). She seeks to enjoy what he enjoys as an end in itself. About eighty minutes into the football game he says to her as he stares at the TV, “I’ve been struggling at work this last week. I feel like the younger guys are passing me by.” Out of nowhere he makes a comment that explains his moodiness after work for the last week. The last several days, she had been personalizing his sullenness, feeling very anxious about the marriage. “Is he mad at me? Did I do something bad? Is there something wrong with our relationship?” She anxiously processed this for twelve hours throughout the day as she went about her heavy workload. Cortisol! Each evening, she asked him how he was feeling, to draw him out. He reassured her all was fine. But she knew things were not fine. Even so, he remained a mysterious island around which she paddled and he did not permit her to land. Her direct approach, “Talk to me and tell me your feelings,” never seemed inviting to him. Then she watched football with him. 

Few women hit on this truth because it is counterintuitive and counter-cultural. Few advocate this due to the sexist overtones, so we leave women in the dark about how to connect with their husbands. We argue that because we are equal we are the same and therefore men ought not to be so artificial but want daily times of face-to-face and heart-to-heart sharing on demand. 

Please take a moment and view the video titled “Judgment on the Quality of Male Friendship" in the next step.