The Illumination Project Journal (Download)

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

Do you bow to the influence of Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

If a husband chooses to be a peacemaker--taking the needs and concerns of his wife totally into account during any kind of argument or conflict--his wife will be motivated in turn to respond to his authority during stalemates.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

Always remember that Pink and Blue have different wiring, different preferences. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward you, no matter what. Both of you can be right, while being different.

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

[Husbands] do you realize the power of just holding your wife’s hand?

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Do not live by the standards of Hollywood; trust what God says in His Holy Word.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

We are equal but we are not the same.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

It is so easy to draw wrong conclusions about a spouse’s character and motives due to an occasional flare-up or silly comment.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

God is good and wants what is best for us.

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

I have concluded that those of us in the church who believe we have the Truth are not using the whole truth. A crucial part of God’s Word has been completely ignored, or perhaps simply gone unnoticed, when it has been there right under our noses the whole time! Many Christian spouses know Ephesians 5:33 and can at least paraphrase it. The Apostle Paul tells husbands to love their wives as much as they love themselves, and wives are to respect their husbands. But is anyone really listening? Perhaps the first step to better communication between husband and wife is to hear what God’s Word clearly says. --Emerson

No one can really practice Love and Respect unless he or she does it as unto Jesus Christ.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Clarifying is what you do before you step on your mate’s air hose and deflate his or her spirit. For example, you are having a typical conversation, but you can tell there is a misunderstanding. One of you isn’t being clear or isn’t hearing correctly. Then and there you clarify the misunderstanding before your spouse’s spirit deflates. You lovingly or respectfully clarify matters so that your spouse will not feel unloved or disrespected. The reason you take pains to clarify a seemingly small matter is to prevent the situation from becoming a love and respect issue that needs decoding. Clarifying is what you do to stay off the Crazy Cycle and keep positive, energetic feelings flowing between the two of you, to keep yourselves on the Energizing Cycle.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Your wife feels you are open with her when you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

Our research shows that couples who pray together are more apt to reap all kinds of benefits, including better and more frequent communication, going on “dates” more frequently and having sex more frequently.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

We are either going to give in the darkness or we are going to give into the darkness.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

We have to step back as Christ followers and ask, “Do I have false expectations that my relationship should be romantic 99% of the time?”

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.