Building Blocks Study Guide

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

His love motivates her respect. Her respect motivates his love.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Accidental sparks (unwise remarks) ignite and fuel a fire, and vroom goes the Crazy Cycle.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Money squabbles don’t undermine love and respect; they simply reveal unloving and disrespectful attitudes, which are the real reason why a marriage can start to wobble on the Crazy Cycle.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Knowing my spouse will not be able to love or respect me perfectly, I commit to having a forgiving spirit so that I may never speak hatefully or contemptuously.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

When you’re truly Christ-centered, instead of child-centered, you will be a more effective parent in the long run.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

A husband may deserve contempt, but that doesn’t win him any more than harshness and anger wins the heart of a woman.

I often stress that one of the greatest rewards any persevering spouse can have is being a good example and influence on the children in the family.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

We have different vulnerabilities. We can pass judgment on one another all day long or we can say God made us different and that’s ok.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

Your husband knows you value his friendship when you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him).

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

To not forgive is to shoot yourself in the foot and put extra gas in the Crazy Cycle.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

Your words reveal your heart.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Your spouse can affect you, but your spouse does not control you.

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

When a wife insists that her husband earn her respect, she puts him in a lose-lose situation.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)