Conference Notebook - Digital Download (Old)

As strong and powerful as marriage bonds can become, our deepest dependency must be on the Lord, not another human being.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Since it is easy to focus on the negative, focus on your mate’s good qualities and express thanks with positive words of Love or Respect.

God is not trying to trick you or mess with you. Trust that He wants to reveal Himself to you just as much as He wants to reveal Himself to the world.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

God is not pink. God is not blue. God is purple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God’s attributes and character.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

It’s so easy to dismiss our spouse as childish because we don’t have the same vulnerabilities they do.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

Research shows that 70% of the couples who were extremely unhappy in their marriage, but hung in there and worked through the tough time, identified themselves as being very happy five years later.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Every marriage includes trouble some of the time. Do not let the 20% leaven all the rest.

The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is that successful ones keep getting up and dealing with the issues.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

I had often asked God to compensate for my mistakes, but in return had I thought He would give me perfect children?

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Avoid like the plague trying to punish each other as a means of “motivation.” Christ-followers instinctively know that this destroys any opportunity to act out of reverence for Christ. In all marital issues, love and reverence for Christ must be our primary motivation.

Through Jesus and Peter, God set forth His standard for living in the unconditional dimension: choose to be loving even when the other person is not; do what is right regardless of the treatment you receive. I believe this standard applies directly to marriage. A husband who speaks lovingly to his disrespectful wife will be rewarded; and a wife who speaks respectfully to her unloving, not-worthy-of-respect husband will be rewarded. Whether you are husband or wife, the reward is what can keep you going in the midst of the craziness: knowing that God commends you, knowing that you have found his favor for your words and actions.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Both Judas and Peter denied Jesus Christ, but there is a huge difference between a Judas and a Peter.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Being friendly to her man is one of the most effective things a woman can do to strengthen her marriage.

He will feel appreciated when you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

Responding to offensive words or actions with your own offensive words and actions is damaging and unproductive.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Refuse to let evil turn you into a contemptuous and hateful person.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Your marriage is really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for your Lord.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

When there is confusion, I try to refrain from attacking another for not listening carefully (which may not be the case). Instead, I take a run at communicating again, but more clearly.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.