Building Blocks DVD Study - Couple's Kit

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Men are solution oriented, they love to solve problems. They want to be helpful.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Thank the Lord that in the very beginning He created them male and female – Blue and Pink. Ask Him for patience and ever-growing understanding of how men and women see and hear differently. “He created them male and female, and He blessed them.” (Genesis 5:2)

So I encourage every husband and wife to commit to the Jesus Way of Talking. Instead of allowing the stress of the situation to control you, you can say to yourself, “Because I love the Lord and I know that He rewards every good word, I am going to be truthful even if my spouse is not. I will also be uplifting, forgiving, thankful and scriptural in my speech because my ultimate goal is to please the Lord. Whatever my spouse’s weaknesses or bad habits might be, I will not let them cause me to sin with my lips.”

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

One thing to remember in this culture is if we say something complimentary towards one gender, we aren’t saying something against the other.

As a husband, if you can grasp that you don’t always have to solve your wife’s problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

God’s commands are not burdensome, but are given to us to spare us from more pain. Why would God command you to do something that doesn’t work?

Unconditional respect means we confront their wrongdoings respectfully. We do not become uncivil because they are. Who they fail to be does not determine who we will be.

Your spouse has a need that you don’t have. Are you going to say there is something seriously wrong with them or will you say “Viva la Difference”?

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

You both forgive for one simple but profound reason: because you know Christ has forgiven you!

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

It is crucial for a husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but both of them are very different--in body function, outlook and perspective.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

When you love or respect unconditionally regardless of the outcome, you are following God and His will for you.

The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It’s as simple- and as difficult- as that.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

Unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

A most significant point of this book is this: If what we think is true, kind, necessary, and clear, we need to have the courage to hit send. This isn’t about refraining from speaking; this is about speaking.

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Recognize your different gifts--how each of you (Pink and Blue) functions according to God’s perfect design.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

The mature one in the marriage seldom moves second.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.

How we react to a situation reveals more about us than about the other person.

Don’t label each other as bad because you differ on how you solve your troubles.

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

A marriage relationship will be energized when couples learn how to motivate each other God’s way.

Although the Crazy Cycle is not what God intends for any marriage, all couples get on it at times from one degree to another.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

Your words reveal your heart.

Most marriages will succeed when obeying the command to Love and Respect.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

When you play the blame game your marriage never wins.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

We are equal but we are not the same.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25)

When you relinquish an offense, you need to send that offense somewhere. So follow Jesus’ example and release it to your heavenly Father.

Good intentions do not always produce good words or outcomes.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

Clearly, in the marriage, in the family and in the household, when you speak words of blessing, you are speaking to the Lord, and for this you will be rewarded.

Positive changes flood a relationship immediately when both husband and wife cancel the blame game!

When others do not respond to our communication, we need to look first at our communication style. Is the other person incapable of hearing what we have to say? Or are we abrupt, brusque, and curt?

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Never give up. If you want to have a strong marriage, you need to accept temporary setbacks as part of the game.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.

God is good and wants what is best for us.

We send each other messages in “code” based on gender, even though we don’t intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

When confronting your spouse, attack the behavior, not the person.

Words of Love or Respect must uplift your spouse, edifying- never manipulating him or her.

Share what God is saying to your heart, not what you think He needs to say to your mate.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean the other person is offensive.

God’s commands are there to help us, not to hinder us or hold us back as male and female.

Wives, to energize your husband do an activity with him, shoulder-to-shoulder, without talking.

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code. And the problem is, they don’t know how to decipher the messages they send to one another.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

You can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.

Unconditional respect, like unconditional love, is all about how one sounds (tone of voice and word choice) and appears (facial expressions and physical actions).

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Can you begin to trust that God feels love for you even when you don’t feel that love?