How to Impact Others’ Marriage

My name is Matt Loehr, founder of Dare to be Different and now director of marriage mentoring at Love and Respect. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and I partnered a couple years ago and together we have trained over seven thousand mentors all over the world.

When speaking at a church recently, I asked the congregation to raise their hands if they knew of someone wanting out of their marriage. A flood of emotion filled the room as thousands raised their hands in the air.

Because the sad truth is, everyone has been touched by the fallout of divorce—maybe by a friend, a family member, or personal experience. Unfortunately, most of us are very aware of a marital crisis near us and would love to help them find hope and real healing before they divorce.

Here is a powerful testimony from a couple who was trained as marriage mentors:

Nine Episodes of Untrue Communications: Can You Relate? Part II — Love and Respect Podcast Ep 111

In part 2 of this two part series, Emerson and Jonathan continue to discuss the topic of lying. This stems from Emerson’s recent writing for a new book coming out in 2017. Throughout the 9 episodes or examples of untrue communication consider which ones you have observed and how often you think such things happen, whether with you or others. Part 2 also includes a story that continues to impact Emerson. [See Part 1 Here]

Listen to the podcast HERE. Access it on iTunes HERE, on Stitcher HERE, and on the Love and Respect App HERE.

Read the transcript HERE.

Episode 111 - Nine Episodes of Untrue Communications - Can You Relate - Part II

How to be Truthful Without Being Hurtful

Some questions from one spouse to another are nearly impossible to answer without causing heartache.

How to be Truthful Without Being Hurtful

For example, what is a husband to say when his wife asks, Does this red dress make me look fat?”

A good-hearted husband longs to be truthful without being hurtful, but that isn’t an easy rope to walk on. Most men feel totally trapped by this question, because they have learned, perhaps the hard way, that saying nothing or saying “I don’t know” actually means “you look fat.”

9 Episodes of Untrue Communications, Part I — Love and Respect Podcast Ep. 110

In this two part series, Emerson and Jonathan discuss the topic of lying. This stems from Emerson’s recent writing for a new book coming out in 2017. Throughout the 9 episodes or examples of untrue communication consider which ones you have observed and how often you think such things happen, whether with you or others.

Listen to the podcast HERE. Access it on iTunes HERE, on Stitcher HERE, and on the Love and Respect App HERE.

Episode 110 - Nine Episodes of Untrue Communications - Can You Relate - Part I

What Overwhelms a Wife and Husband?

All of us can feel overwhelmed at times by the challenges we face in marriage.

What Overwhelms a Wife and Husband?

The Husband:

On the one hand, a husband can feel overwhelmed by his wife’s complaints and criticisms toward him.

He feels he is never good enough.

He can feel he does not deserve all of her negativity.

Frankly, her negativity is beyond his understanding.

He thinks, Can’t the two of us just have one day when everything is okay? Why doesn’t she understand this? Why can’t she be friendlier?

Do We Want to Look Better Than We Are?

One of the most common reasons people lie is to impress others. If we succeed at impressing them, they will feel good about us and we will feel good about ourselves. What better reasons than to hedge on the truth or flat out lie? Everybody feels good, so how can that be bad?   

A woman told me, “My dad came over one day and my daughter was crazy, like her wheels came off. He asked, ‘So, are you putting that on Facebook?’ Of course not. I have an image to project that I’m perfect, I have this great job, and I have this great daughter. I don’t put the unfavorable truth out there because this doesn’t fit the image I seek to project.”

Do We Want to Look Better Than We Are?

The dictionary defines photoshop as altering an image, referred to as image-editing, for the purpose of distorting reality to deliberately deceive the viewer. When we do not hesitate to post on Facebook all the great things about our lives, while avoiding, like this mother, to “put the unfavorable truth out there,” we are guilty of photoshopping our lives.

For example, a mother can make misleading comments about her children’s success in the Christmas newsletter because she selectively removes the negatives. She writes, “Our son got all A’s this year as a sophomore in high school. He is a really, really smart boy. He has many of the interests that I have.” But she does not mention that he is on probation for selling drugs. She glories in his success but ignores his serious character flaws. His failings are not in keeping with the narrative and would not make her feel good about herself, so she “photoshops” the reality into an image of her liking.

Have You Ever Been Overlooked? — Love and Respect Podcast Ep. 109

Join Emerson, Jonathan, and their first guest, Joy Eggerichs Reed, on this week’s episode as they discuss what it’s like and what we can do when we are overlooked, when we go unpicked, or our efforts go unrecognized.

Listen to the podcast HERE. Access it on iTunes HERE, on Stitcher HERE, and on the Love and Respect App HERE.

Read the transcript HERE.

Episode+109+-+Have+You+Ever+Been+Overlooked-

Yes, What You Said Is True, but Did It Sound Loving and Respectful?

People hear your words of truth, but they feel your words of kindness. They feel your love and respect.

Is this why God commands a husband and wife to show love and respect in their marriage (Ephesians 5:33)?

It is not enough to speak the truth (Ephesians 4:15). If spoken unkindly, the truth can hammer a person in a cruel way that leaves them emotionally shattered. Truth must be spoken in loving and respectful ways. Even international treaties among different governments must convey the desire to have the other country’s interest in mind.

Yes, What You Said Is True, but Did It Sound Loving and Respectful?

Kindness is not about agreeing with the other’s position but about showing that one understands it and may even have a degree of empathy toward it. In the best of editorial writing, the editor proves most persuasive when representing the opposition’s position even better than the opposition represents themselves. But then the writer caringly and respectfully dismantles each point as less acceptable.

The Golden Rule of Communication

None of us can stand it when people are unfriendly and mean-spirited toward us. We know kindness is fundamental to building trust whether in the family, the neighborhood, the legislature, or the workplace. We avoid unsympathetic, inconsiderate, and nasty neighbors, and we take our business elsewhere when a store owner treats us in an uncaring and callous way.

The Golden Rule of Communication

But when we are pushed to the edge and feel kindness is getting us nowhere, do we turn unpleasant, disagreeable, and uncivil? Do we compromise kindness to get what we want or to prevent losing what we have? Do we appear hostile and contemptuous? Do we intimidate? Do we bully? Do we use abusive speech? Or, are we committed to speaking lovingly and respectfully no matter what because we have resolved to be a loving and respectful human being?

Do Some Husbands Live By A Double Standard And Is That Ok Because They Can’t Help It? Part II — Love and Respect Podcast Ep. 108

In Part II this week Emerson and Jonathan continue the discussion about some husbands habitually looking at other women and having a double standard. Knowing this double standard exists, what should a husband and wife now do about his looking at other women? Emerson and Jonathan attempt to answer this question.

Listen to Part 1 HERE.

Listen to the podcast HERE. Access it on iTunes HERE, on Stitcher HERE, and on the Love and Respect App HERE.

Read the transcript HERE.

Episode 108 - Do Some Husbands Live By A Double Standard And Is That Ok Because They Can't Help It - Part II

If You Don’t Know What You Mean, How Will Your Spouse?

If you say to your spouse, “I know what I mean, I just cannot say it,” you will leave them in the dark.

What is a husband supposed to do with a statement like: “I need you to love me, and I know what that means, but I just cannot explain it to you”? As a wife, if you know what it means but cannot say it, you don’t know what you mean. Thus, it is unfair to expect your husband to know what it means and looks like.

The same holds true for a husband who declares, “I know what I mean when I say you should respect me but I don’t know how to explain it to you.” Well, if you don’t know how to say it, you don’t know what you mean, and your wife will be baffled.

If You Don’t Know What You Mean, How Will Your Spouse?

The truth is, when we say “I know what I mean, I just cannot say it,” we don’t really know what we mean.

Conflict Over Clashing Preferences or Moral Transgression?

She prefers white carpet in the bedroom and he prefers dark brown.

This is not a moral issue but a preference issue.

A moral issue is when one of them chooses to steal the carpet from the retailer and demands the other go along with their plan.

Conflict over Clashing Preferences or Moral Transgression?

As for preferences, God designed us to enjoy differing tastes. I do not like pepper on my eggs and Sarah relishes sprinkling eggs on her mound of pepper! But even though I feel she is strange for liking black flakes or those round little black lumps on her eggs, she would never be immoral for eating pepper. There is no biblical verse that says, “Thou shalt not eat pepper!” And though Sarah believes I am abnormal for not liking pepper on my eggs, since most people do, my preference does not make me immoral.

Do Some Husbands Live By A Double Standard And Is That Ok Because They Can’t Help It? Part I – Love and Respect Podcast Ep. 107

Do husbands have a double standard? Emerson and Jonathan invite you to join them this week and consider one that they have observed. Some wives hear from their husbands, “I can look at women because God designed me to look at the female figure, but you must not look at men.” While the subject of pornography is an important issue this episode is not about that. Instead, this episode looks at husbands who habitually look at women around them.

Listen to the podcast HERE. Access it on iTunes HERE, on Stitcher HERE, and on the Love and Respect App HERE.

Episode 107 - Do Some Husbands Live By A Double Standard And Is That Ok Because They Can't Help It - Part I