19 Principles of Love and Respect In Marriage: Which Ones Do You Do Well?

Because God commands a husband to put on love toward his wife and a wife to come across respectfully to her husband (Ephesians 5:33), I have found it fascinating to think of the many ways of applying this instruction to the married.

I believe many of you are making application of the positive aspects of the below 19 principles.

As you read this list, which ones do you do well?  Why?

19 Principles of Love and Respect In Marriage

1. Decode the good will:

  •       She is crying out for your love; her intent is not to be disrespectful.
  •       He is crying out for respect; his intent is not to be unloving.

2. In order to resolve the root issue, get a discussion going:

  •       “That felt unloving. Did I come across as disrespectful?”
  •       “That felt disrespectful. Did I come across as unloving?”

3. When feeling offended do not offend:

  •       Though feeling disrespected, pull back from being unloving. It won’t work long term.
  •       Though feeling unloved, pull back from being disrespectful. It won’t work long term.

Why Do Some Husbands Say Hurtful Things to Their Wives? (Read the blog!)

Have you ever had a conversation with your husband that went like one of these?

Feeling hurt you say, “You don’t love me. You just want to criticize and punish me.” He replies, “That’s right! I just want to criticize and punish you!”

After hearing him say this you share with your BFF, “He told me that he just wants to criticize and punish me.”

Or maybe during a heated conflict you tell him, “We have problems but you won’t make any attempt to change!” He replies, “That’s right, I won’t make any attempt to change!”

After hearing this, you inform your sisters, “Though I know I need to work on myself, and I am not perfect, he said he won’t make any attempt to change. I am at a loss to know what to do.

Why Do Some Husbands Say Hurtful Things to Their Wives-

But could his words be nothing more than mindless parroting? As a parrot mindlessly echoes what another voices, we humans can do the same, especially husbands in marital conflict.

What is so Unique About Emerson’s Message to Mothers? — Love and Respect Podcast Ep. 093

Join Emerson and Jonathan this week as they discuss Emerson’s most recent book, Mother & Son: The Respect Effect, a book that Emerson sees as an encyclopedia of information that a mom can turn to during various moments of conflict with her son. In this episode three topics are discussed: The Message of Respect is unique compared to the message of love; The Outcome of Respect is unique according to mothers; and The Thirst for Respect is unique in boys compared to girls.

Listen to the podcast HERE. Access it on iTunes HERE, on Stitcher HERE, and on the Love and Respect App HERE.

Episode 093 - What is so Unique about Emerson's Message to Mothers

Why Do Husbands Read into a Wife’s Words Disrespectful Meanings She Does Not Intend?

Many wives have no idea why their husbands react negatively to their honest comments shared out of true concern.

What to her is a caring attempt to offer a suggestion about something he needs to change, which would in fact be helpful to him if he listened to her, ends up hurting him.     

What else can she do but judge him as childish for misunderstanding her?

Why Do Husbands Read into a Wife’s Words Disrespectful Meanings She Does Not Intend-

Why Do Good Willed Wives Feel Frustrated? — Love and Respect Podcast Ep. 092

If you missed Episode 91, “Why Do Some Good Willed Husbands Feel Frustrated,” click HERE.

This week Emerson and Jonathan look at the behavior of a husband who bullies. There are many things that hurt and frustrate wives but there is a type of female who emails Emerson with this complaint: “I must stuff my feelings, keep my mouth shut, and do as he says.” While some wives who write this type of email may be overreacting or misrepresenting the facts, despotic husbands exist who roar commands at their good willed wives. Their excessive and unloving decrees leave their wives feeling hurt, frustrated, confused, and worthless. Join Emerson and Jonathan as they discuss this topic.

Listen to the podcast HERE. Access it on iTunes HERE, on Stitcher HERE, and on the Love and Respect App HERE.

Read the transcript HERE.

Episode 092- Why Do Good Willed Wives Feel Frustrated

Are Husbands Hyper-Sensitive or Just Highly Sensitive to Disrespect? Part 2: The Disrespectful Wife (to the Highly Sensitive Husband)

Did you miss the last few posts? Don’t miss part 1 HERE, and a blog for the hyper- or highly-sensitive wife HERE.

THE DISRESPECTFUL WIFE

In part 1 we discussed the hyper-sensitive husband who falsely claims contempt from his goodwilled wife who is truly attempting to respect him. But sometimes what a wife claims is hyper-sensitivity is actually her highly sensitive husband trying to best love his disrespectful wife.

Are Husbands Hyper-Sensitive or Just Highly Sensitive to Disrespect- Part 1- The Hyper Sensitive Husband

What Is the Issue with the Disrespectful Wife?

Some husbands are just highly sensitive to undeserving disrespect. Though they humbly appeal to their wives to halt the rudeness toward them as men, husbands, and fathers, these women claim the husbands are overly sensitive. Not only do these wives ignore their husbands’ appeal to soften her disrespectful reactions, they mock these goodwilled men for making such a request. These wives claim the problem here is with their husbands reacting like big babies, not that they as wives are disobeying Ephesians 5:33.

Are Husbands Hyper-Sensitive or Just Highly Sensitive to Disrespect? Part 1: The Hyper-Sensitive Husband

Is the following example a disrespectful wife toward a good-willed husband or a hyper-sensitive husband falsely claiming excessive disrespect from his wife?

  A wife wrote, “It’s mainly the tone of voice I use he says [that is disrespectful]. Or [for example], when we have agreed that the garage needs to be cleaned out but he doesn’t make the effort to start the project, so I go in and start it, [and he tells me] that is disrespectful. [Or], he asked me not to trim the bush because he will be filling up the trash can with grass, but I let him know that there won’t be much from the bush. He doesn’t say anything so I go ahead and trim, then he tells me it is disrespectful to go against him like that. [Or] at the restaurant he let me know what he was going to order, which is what I was also going to order, so when the waitress came to our table and I said we will take two of these. Later he told me that was disrespectful to him, that I was treating him like a child. I am trying so hard to think before I speak, but it always seems no matter what I say or do it comes out wrong to my husband.

Are Husbands Hyper-Sensitive or Just Highly Sensitive to Disrespect- Part 1- The Hyper Sensitive Husband

 I think we’d all agree this is an illustration of a hyper-sensitive husband. He is taking the message of Ephesians 5:33, where God commands husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands, and demanding that she obey her side of the equation while ignoring God’s command to him to love his wife.

What about the next example? Is this a disrespectful wife toward a good-willed husband or a hyper-sensitive husband falsely claiming excessive disrespect from his wife?

Are Wives Hypersensitive or Just Highly Sensitive to a Husband’s Unclear Comments?

One day my wife, Sarah, asked me, “If you die, should I stay in this home?”            

Though the question seemed random, it didn’t bother me; it was a good question. But it caused me to ask myself, Why is she asking this? I was objectively curious.

I knew that if I asked her the same question, it would ignite a series of follow-up questions from her:

“Why are you asking?”

“What prompted this question?”

“Do you envision me dying soon?”

“Are you thinking about living without me?”

“Are you exploring what life would be like if I died?”

Are Wives Hypersensitive or Just Highly Sensitive to a Husband’s Unclear Comments-

Knowing Sarah, emotionally she would read into my question that I was entertaining the idea of living life without her even though intellectually she would know that was not truly the case.

One of the battles of the sexes in marriage revolves around this issue: Is a wife highly sensitive or hypersensitive?

Why Do Good-Willed Husbands Feel Frustrated? — Love and Respect Podcast Ep. 091

In this week’s episode Emerson and Jonathan look at a specific example of a husband and wife disagreeing on how they should approach their son, where the husband is reporting significant frustration. Taking the position that mothers and wives are never mean-spirited in such situations but that they truly care, Emerson discusses how her fears and care have unintended consequences toward the good willed husband.

Listen to the podcast HERE. Access it on iTunes HERE, on Stitcher HERE, and on the Love and Respect App HERE.

Read the transcript HERE.

Episode 091 - Why Do Good Willed Husbands Feel Frustrated?

What Is the Moral of the Classic Film Casablanca? Read My Blog!

 
In the late 1930s, Richard Blaine (played by Humphrey Bogart) falls in love with a beautiful and wonderful woman, Ilsa Lund (Ingrid Bergman ). Ilsa, whose husband had died in a concentration camp, opens her heart to Richard. But their mutual love cannot blossom in Paris where they reside. The Nazis are only a day away from marching into the city of love.

Since both must flee France, they plan to meet the next day at the railroad station. When the morrow comes, Richard waits for Ilsa at the train. But she never arrives. Instead, he receives a handwritten note from her telling him that she loves him but they must never see each other again.

With no choice but to flee, Richard departs—emotionally destroyed.

What is the Moral of the Classic Film Casablanca- Read My Blog!

The story resumes, sometime later, with Richard in Casablanca, Morocco. “Rick” owns and operates the prestigious Rick’s Café. Though he is well respected in his new community, life means little to him without the woman of his affection. However, he possesses only a memory of his lost love.

But as fate would have it, one day Ilsa enters the cafe with her husband, a hero of the French resistance movement.

How To Mother on the Teeter-Totter Between Hostility and Appeasement

A teacher told me, “The kindergarten classroom is a little more complicated than a normal family setting, but I have so often wished that I could take the mothers of these boys, turn them invisible, and let them see how their sons are (respectfully) treated in our class. Too often, these . . . moms . . . speak very disrespectfully about the father, and have a tendency to make the same mistakes of disrespect with their sons. . . . They tend to bounce back and forth between appeasement and hostility when dealing with their sons.”

What a profound observation.

How To Mother on the Teeter-Totter Between Hostility and Appeasement

A word picture comes to my mind. I see a mother on a teeter-totter with her son. She goes up in hostility toward him over his infraction and comes down with appeasement over her feelings of guilt. Back and forth, week after week.

In the morning she erupts in ways that feel scornful to him. In the evening she makes his favorite dessert and affirms her love and seeks reassurance that he is okay.

Do you feel that you came at him too hard, overreacting in anger and speaking too disrespectfully? After rudely deriding him do you try to compensate and relieve your feelings of guilt by indulging him to win him back and placate him?

19 Love and Respect Truisms and Principles to Live By — Love and Respect Podcast Ep. 090

Join Emerson and Jonathan this week as they discuss 19 simple, yet sometimes difficult to do, principles from the Love and Respect message. From monitoring your thoughts and feelings in interactions with your spouse, to what to say and do, practicing a few of these can improve your marriage.

Listen to the podcast HERE. Access it on iTunes HERE, on Stitcher HERE, and on the Love and Respect App HERE.

Episode 090 - 19 Love and Respect Truisms and Principles to Live By