A Husband’s Light Bulb Moment About His Wife and Himself [Video]

He Viewed His Wife as Controlling and Nit-Picking

Your book, Love & Respect, became the glue to hold together all that God has been trying to teach me during our first 17 years of marriage.  As a result of reading your book, a light bulb went on in my head and I realized that I have been viewing my wife as controlling, nit-picking and unforgiving.  As a matter of fact, I used to think that if she would just listen to me and try to understand what I am saying, everything would be OKAY.

My Husband Wants Love and I Want Respect – Now What?

Q: You talk a lot about how a wife needs love and a husband needs respect. But what if we are an exception? My husband wants love & I desire respect.

Emerson says: First of all, both spouses need love and respect equally. This is not up for debate. However, research reveals that during conflict, the felt need of the majority of women is love while the felt need of the majority of men is respect.

But cultural and personal applications can vary.

My Husband Wants Love and I Want Respect

My Marriage Was Over

Ange & her husband were first introduced to the message of Love & Respect from our video series several years ago.  

They hosted their first Love & Respect Marriage Conference in 2010 and it was a hit! While promoting the conference that year Ange invited a lady named Kristen from her daughter’s preschool to attend the conference. They didn’t really know each other but Ange isn’t shy and casually mentioned it to her.

My Marriage Was Over

Here’s Kristen’s story:

Do You Know What Your Children Are Watching?

And I am not talking about television or the internet.

If you are married and have children, remember your kids are watching YOU. Be aware there are more people in this marriage than just the two of you!

At our live marriage conference, I often remind people that children grow up really quickly and then stand in our book signing line saying, “This is what was happening in our home and my parents need to hear this message.

Their concern and anxiety over their parents’ fighting or indifference to one another is heart-wrenching. They ask us how they can get their parents to read the Love & Respect book or come to a conference.

Do You Know What Your Children Are Watching

The Family Crazy Cycle: Love and Respect Podcast Ep. 006

Emerson and Jonathan transition from the Love & Respect marriage book to Love & Respect in the Family, a book on parenting that came out in the fall of 2013. This episode focuses on the Family Crazy Cycle: without love, children react with disrespect and without respect, parents react without love. Emerson also unpacks the definition of love and respect from a biblical perspective as it pertains to parenting.

Listen to the podcast HERE. Access it on iTunes HERE and on Stitcher HERE.

Podcast Episode 006 The Family Crazy Cycle

What I Believe About Your Deepest Heart in Marriage [Video]

Permit me to ask you a question.

As a husband, in your deepest heart do you want to come across in an unloving manner toward your wife during conflict?

1. I do not want to be unloving when I disagree with my wife.

2. I want to be unloving when I disagree with my wife.

As a wife, in your deepest heart do you want to come across in a disrespectful manner toward your husband during conflict?

1. I do not want to be disrespectful when I disagree with my husband.

2. I want to be disrespectful when I disagree with my husband.

I believe most of you chose #1. You instinctively recognize what the Bible reveals about your deepest heart.

I’ve Become a Nag and My Husband Despises Me!

Q: After 19 years of living on the crazy cycle and after months of counseling, I have no hope due to my husband’s narcissism. I talked and talked until I don’t want to hear myself. He says I have driven him away and his “friendships” … his criticisms of me have left me wounded and hurt and nagging to just stay together when I know it’s God’s plan for this to not just exist but to thrive as an example to our children of His love.

He is ready to file for a divorce because he says he has tried everything and he just despises seeing or hearing my voice…he has shut down. He said he is ready to have a woman to have fun with and to not fight with.

I’ve Become a Nag and My Husband Despises Me

God’s Perfect Plan For Parenting

Some years ago when we were pastoring and our boys were younger, we had some missionaries stay in our home for several days.  After a reminder in how they should behave, they were perfect angels the entire time (this may have qualified as a miracle)!

Our plan had worked…or so we thought!

Kids Can Be Good Only So Long

Minutes after our guests left, the boys got into a huge wrestling fight. Separating them Emerson said, “What happened?!  You’ve both been so good!”  David said, “We can be good only so long.”  He replied, “But we named you Jonathan and David so you’d be best of friends.” To which David replied, “You should have named us Cain and Abel!”

We couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry!

So there you have it! The missionaries may have thought we had the perfect family. They should have stayed longer!!

God's Perfect Plan for Parenting

The Three Cycles – A Review: Love and Respect Podcast Ep.005

This week Emerson and Jonathan review the Crazy Cycle, the Energizing Cycle, and the Rewarded Cycle. They discuss positive examples and stories from listeners, Emerson responds to common misconceptions about the Love and Respect message, and together they address a handful of specific questions and comments gathered from listeners over the past few weeks.

Listen to the podcast HERE. Access it on iTunes HERE and on Stitcher HERE.

Episode 005 The Three Cycles - A Review

Why Does a Husband Withdraw From His Wife? [Video]

“Emerson, in a conflict with my husband he inevitably withdraws from me. He puts up a barrier to prevent me from emotionally connecting. He stops talking. What should I do?”

I hear you. When married to someone who stonewalls, “withdrawals” are not worth it!

Research reveals in intimate, committed relationships 85% of those who emotionally retreat and refuse to answer are men.

Why Does a Wife Withdraw From Her Husband? [Video]

“Emerson, you say most men don’t want to talk but my wife and I are the opposite when an argument starts. She goes quiet. She won’t engage me in any type of dialogue. She withdraws from the conversation and puts up a barrier to any further discussion. What should I do?”

I hear you. When married to someone who stonewalls, “withdrawals” are not worth it!

Research reveals in intimate, committed relationships 85% of those who emotionally retreat and refuse to answer are men. That means 15% of the women also withdraw and stonewall.

Both retreat, though men more so.

What I have observed is that men and women withdraw for different reasons. May I suggest to you that wives stonewall out of fear whereas most men do so to calm down?

My Wife is Having an Emotional Affair

Q: I recently found out my wife is involved in an emotional affair. She says she is in love with him, that she never loved me, and that she feels no passion in our marriage. I still love my wife and want this marriage to work. Is there any hope for us? We have three young children and I am devastated.

Dr. E says:  First of all, yes, there is hope. But you have entered a time of suffering and you will need Godly support and wise counsel to get through this as a man of honor. Thank you for reaching out. Your children are worth every effort!

But don’t conclude that your marriage is over. It isn’t! There is no situation, no marriage, too difficult for God.

My Wife is Having an Emotional Affair!

PGA Pro Bernhard Langer on Love & Respect

We greatly appreciate the vulnerability and honesty of countless couples who write to us not only sharing their pain in marriage but also the victory in overcoming obstacles. One such couple is Bernhard and Vikki Langer.

Bernhard Langer is a Professional Golfer and two time winner of the Masters, winner of the 2010 and 2014 Senior British Open and the 2010 Senior U.S. Open. He was known as one of the world’s best golfers throughout the 80s and 90s.

Parent of Fear or Parent of Faith?

I love what a friend of mine shared….

“One time while driving with my two toddlers and one preschooler who were crying in the car, I started to cry and said, ‘What was I thinking?!’ God spoke so clearly to me I almost had to pull over. He said, ‘You weren’t! I was!’ That was freeing. Now when I tend to come to my wit’s end, I say, ‘Lord, this was Your idea. Help!’”

As a mother of these three little ones, struggling in her faith at that very moment, she had the right approach.

Whether it is the frustrations of the moment or fear of the future, we all need help. In fact, God expects us to depend on Him. If we don’t, we will feel helpless and hopeless. The psalmist warns against absolute self reliance:

“Without the help of the Lord , it is useless to build a home” (Psalm 127:1, CEV).

Parent of Fear or Parent of Faith copy