Love & Respect Book

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Your spouse may meet many of your needs, but your deepest dependency should be on your Lord.

Stay the course regardless of the child’s respect and obedience. This is the Family Rewarded Cycle: a parents love unto Christ regardless of the child.

In your marriage be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11)

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Marriage is a test of how you unconditionally love and respect your spouse as you obey, honor, and please the Lord.

Your spouse has a need only you can fill.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

A wife has one driving need--to feel loved. When that need is met she is happy. A husband has one driving need--to feel respected. When that need is met he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily and biblically.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

[Women], your self-love cannot be derived from your husband’s love. It can affect it, but it does not determine it.

Fight like a loving man and a respectful woman. Fight fair.

With a better understanding of God’s promises, you will be on your way to a renewed mind and a changed life.

You may believe that the careless, unloving or disrespectful words you speak are because your spouse is causing you to speak this way, but Jesus says that it is coming out of your heart.

Your marriage is a test of your devotion to Christ.

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

Assume goodwill about the person you are in conflict with.

As mature men, we need to take leadership and put this out on the table. We must acknowledge our feelings- we need to feel respected. However, as we do this we must acknowledge our wife’s feelings- she needs to feel loved!

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

Your hunger for God can create an appetite in your children.

We are worth Jesus to the Father.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Always see your mate as an ally. Feedback is of little use if you see your spouse as an enemy. Giving and receiving constructive feedback is based on feelings of goodwill in both partners. Both of you need to remember that, even if you don’t always agree and even if you become irritated or angry, you are friends, and neither of you means to hurt the other.

If we subscribe to the belief that because we are equal we are the same, then we’re going to expect our spouse to respond the way we do.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

We might say that every negative action in the family has an equal and opposite negative reaction.

You have two ears and one mouth; use them proportionately.

Be friendly. Be friendly. Be friendly. Watch what happens.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

Thank the Lord for all the trouble-free moments in which you and your spouse enjoy Him, each other, your family, your ministry and life as a whole. Ask Him for the strength to accept your measure of trouble, and the wisdom to deal with the annoyances and irritations by loving and respecting each other with new commitment. (You may also want to pray about troubles at work, at church, with the children…) “But those who marry will have trouble in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28)

Unconditional love or respect is never wasted. Hang onto this promise: “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary” (Galatians 6:9).

Trusting and obeying God’s Word because we love and reverence God never, ever makes us a hypocrite! When the alarm goes off in the morning, we get up, even when we don’t feel like it getting up. Because we do what we don’t feel like doing, does that make us hypocrites? No, it’s a sign we are responsible people. Showing respectful behavior when we don’t “feel respectful” is evidence of maturity.

In the ultimate sense you marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Self-interest should never come ahead of your spouse’s interests.

When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife. (Perhaps the command to love was given to him precisely for this reason!) When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband. (Perhaps the command to respect was given to her precisely for this reason!)

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

Could you be facing a crisis in faith more than a crisis in your marriage?

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

We must bring our identity in Christ to our parenting—we must not derive our identity from our children.

Will we decide how we see God based on our circumstances, or will we see our circumstances in light of how we view God?

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

It’s hard to realize that we would never act around our business associates the way we act around our spouse.

It’s crucial to communicate with the right tone of voice and the right expression on your face.

Focus on the positive in the midst of the negative, and the Energizing Cycle will keep right on humming.

God designed the woman to love. He’s not going to command her to agape her husband when He created her to do that in the first place. God is not into redundancy.

A major step toward a happy marriage is accepting differences and working them out with love and respect.

Christian maturity involves a lot of things, but surely it includes knowing how to process your anger.

Getting married reveals, usually sooner than later, an incontestable fact: your spouse cannot possibly meet all your needs and desires

God is good and wants what is best for us.

Thank God for joining you together and for allowing you to trust Him to help you, whatever the issue. God is there for you and expects you to look to Him to keep you together as a team, so ask Him for His help in the smallest of concerns. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Matthew 19:6)

Do you seek to understand or only to be understood?

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

In the ultimate sense, your marriage has nothing to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with your relationship to Jesus Christ.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Ladies, be careful. “A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain” (Proverbs 19:13).

Trust God when the “why’s” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

Always try to look at your spouse the way Jesus does.

Let the Lord change you, but don’t try to change each other.

Respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.

A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.

Marital researchers agree that a huge percentage of communication problems between husband and wife are due not to what is said but to how it is said – the attitude and tone of voice.

We have discovered that as women motivate their man God’s way, men are energized to love them better. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is good or seems like there is no hope. We have seen God move in powerful ways even when things looked hopeless.

Your husband knows you appreciate his desire to protect and provide when you praise his commitment to provide for you. You empathize when he reveals his male mindset about position, status, or rank at work.

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

“Living happily ever after” means knowing how to deal with the imperfect parts of life.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

She’s not wrong for not being male. He is not wrong for not being female. When you put pink and blue together, you get purple, the color of royalty; the color of God. Together, a husband and wife reflect God’s image.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

If you want your husband to express appreciation for your attempts to be respectful, you must speak thankfully when he tries to be loving.

Life is too short to fuss and fret over trivial irritations.

Often the apparent issue isn’t the real issue; the real issue is always a matter of love or respect.

Your wife will feel esteemed when you speak highly of her in front of others.

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

Your position in Christ is what counts, not your less-than-perfect performance.

You must “ask God from the wealth of his glory to give you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner selves.”

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Be quick to listen and understand and you have a much better chance of being understood.

Though the end can be worthy (to be loved and respected), when each uses unholy means (unloving and disrespectful words and actions), it will not achieve those ends. We must treat others as we expect them to treat us. To deny this makes us arrogant or fools, or both.

When parents genuinely trust and follow the Lord and His ways, their faith spills over onto the children.

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

When we feel crippling discouragement by the sinful choices and outcomes of our kids, we must not let this permanently deter us from parenting God’s way.

If a husband is commanded to agape- love his wife, then she truly needs love.

Thank the Lord for the goodwill each of you has toward the other. Ask Him for strength to give each other the benefit of the doubt during moments when someone’s goodwill seems to be lacking. “He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it.” (Proverbs 11:27)

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Your spouse can have a need that you don’t have and that’s okay.