The Crazy Cycle In Marriage - Study Guide (Download)

Being a person who communicates what is true frequently demands tact, and at times it can feel like sidestepping land mines. It takes work to be both truthful and tactful.

If you are seeking positive change in your marriage, you will need to make a positive change in your attitude and actions.

We blame people for the bad things we do, but take credit for the good things we do.

Whose voice are you listening to: Hollywood or God’s Holy Word?

You can be right in the argument, but wrong in your approach.

Whether visiting a prison, feeding the hungry, giving the thirsty a drink or speaking a word of love or respect, everything is to be done to and for Christ.

[Husbands] the most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.

As you pray together, you will truly learn to love and respect together.

A man has a natural, inborn desire to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world – to work and achieve.

Negative actions rarely produce positive results.

The moment we cry to Him for help, He is already pleased. He gives us strength to love our children.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration, or anger, but you always have a choice.

There is a discrepancy between who we want to be and see ourselves to be and how we actually sound in voice and writing. But with self-reflection and honesty, we can turn the corner and improve our communication. We need only evaluate what we are about to communicate.

When Jesus said “turn the other cheek,” He wasn’t saying to be passive wimps. He was teaching that physically people can control you but if you turn and give the other cheek, suddenly you’re in control and you’re making the choices.

This is the Rewarded Cycle: His love blesses regardless of her respect and her respect blesses regardless of his love.

We fool ourselves into thinking the other person causes us to be the way we are. They really don’t! But if we lock into that idea, we become helpless, hopeless victims.

Husbands, even Jesus Himself was asked by a woman, “Do you not care?” (Luke 10:40) When your wife accuses you of not caring, decode her deeper meaning.

When a wife asks, “Do you love me?” She is not trying to put her husband on the spot. She is simply looking for reassurance.

The key to motivating another person is meeting their deepest need, especially during conflict.

When a husband chooses to do or say something loving, and that includes saying, ‘I’m sorry for coming across in an unloving way,’ he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully, and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude, she energizes her husband.

There is power and freedom that comes in understanding that no one can cause you to react in a certain way. It is your choice.

Do you give yourself grace and your spouse judgment?

Don’t pressure yourself with perfection. We are going to fail. A righteous man falls 7 times but gets back up.

The Crazy Cycle is, indeed, “the evil of folly and the foolishness of madness” (Ecclesiastes 7:25).

Truth will carry its own weight if delivered respectfully and lovingly.

The Love and Respect message is not about a husband earning his wife’s respect by being more loving any more than it is about a wife earning her husband’s love by being more respectful. Always love or respect is given unconditionally according to God’s commands.

Husbands primarily want to hear ‘respect” talk during conflict. Wives primarily want to hear “love” talk during conflict.

Assuming goodwill can be revolutionary in relationships.

We can all have moments of anger, but this does not mean we have to lose control and sin.

To build a lasting legacy, use proven wisdom that you glean from the Lord.

Your spouse deserves the truth from you. Do your best to tell it with love and respect.

You cannot use unholy means to achieve a worthy end.

Love and Respect is a faith venture, not a formula.

A parent needs to feel respected, especially during conflicts...A child need to feel loved, especially during disputes.

When a husband chooses to come across lovingly even though he feels disrespected, he can prevent the Crazy Cycle from spinning and possibly getting out of control.

Our trustworthiness rests on our truthfulness.

When you look to God and His Word as your ultimate source of significance and security, you don’t demand that your spouse take that role in your life. And as you draw strength from the Lord individually, He draws you closer together as a couple.

Troubles over sex and money do not cause a marriage to go under. The lack of love and respect during conflict cause the marriage to go under.

“With eyes of faith, envision Jesus standing just beyond the shoulder of your spouse and listening to every word you speak in every conversation, pleasant or tense. When you speak lovingly or respectfully to your spouse, you are speaking to Christ. Your spouse just happens to be there too.” This truth has sanctified the lips of many. Instead of giving their spouse a verbal whipping or choking on the idea of saying anything positive, now some spouses are motivated to speak words of unconditional love or respect.

Often both spouses have goodwill but are not deciphering each other’s code. She criticizes out of love, but he “hears” only disrespect. He distances himself to prevent feelings from escalating, which is the honorable thing to do, but she “sees” only his failure to be loving!

Each of you must focus on what God is calling you to do toward your spouse. Do not focus on what you think God is calling your spouse to do toward you.

When evil comes at you, you’re the one who makes the choice of whether or not it is going to go into you.

To stay the course in speaking words of Love and Respect, keep your heart in Scripture, trusting in and talking about His promises to help you.

Above all trust God when the “whys” of life threaten to overwhelm you.

No matter how difficult your spouse may be at the moment, your spouse does not have control over your reaction; you do. You may be experiencing disappointment, frustration or anger, but you always have a choice. A wife can choose to be disrespectful or respectful. A husband can choose to be unloving or loving.

We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We are equal but we are not the same.

Pink and Blue perceptions not only affect seeing, they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.

Be a part of the solution, not part of the problem.

You speak lovingly or respectfully no matter how your spouse may speak to you in return. Your spouse is not the reason--good or bad--why you speak unconditional words of love or respect. God is the reason, and as you depend on Him, you will become increasingly able to speak lovingly and respectfully to your spouse.

A wife has one driving need: to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need: to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy with conflict.

Do you believe that there is a God who really loves you and wants to help you?

When one of you makes a mistake, control any anger you may feel and trust God completely, no matter what happens.

He will feel appreciated when you recognize his problem-solving approach as his male brand of empathy.

Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks and yet few find: Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It’s the secret that will help you achieve a brand new level of intimacy.

Just because you may feel unloved or disrespected does not mean your spouse is sending that message.

At the very bottom of things, in every case and in every conversation, you can do your marriage a huge favor by assuming she is seeking to feel loved or he is seeking to feel respected and give your spouse some grace!

God rewards your obedience to love and respect, even if your spouse does not respond!

We can communicate the truth in the best of manners, but the person may be so insecure he or she can only react and attack like a wounded bear.

It’s true that women have intuition and that men should listen to them. It’s also true that women have blind spots and need the insight of their husbands.

If a husband loves his wife as he should, she will feel honored and respected. If a wife respects her husband as she should, he will feel loved and appreciated. It’s a win-win.

There is a plan to parent God’s way, even when our children may seek to go their own way at time. The secret is to follow this plan regardless. When you do, I believe you succeed in His eyes.

Women give a report to build rapport. Men bond through shoulder-to-shoulder activities without talking.

Mutual submission is the only way to live fairly together with mutual authority.

Your words reveal your heart.

[Husbands] as the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don’t assume she is asking you to solve the problem. Ask your wife, “Do you want a solution or a listening ear?”

As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

Mutual understanding, not communication, is the key to a healthy marriage relationship.

When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally.

Suppressing negative feelings is not loving, respectful or very wise. Speak up tactfully.

Words of love from a husband are like good medicine that brings life to the marriage.

To get offended is easy, but to forgive is within your power as you walk in His steps.

When the wife flatly says her husband will have to earn her respect before she gives him any, she leaves the husband in a lose-lose situation. Now he is responsible for both love and respect in the relationship. He must unconditionally love his wife and earn her respect.

You have to become proactive, rather than just trying to stop the reactive.

Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these: We easily see what is done to us before we see what we are doing to our mate.

We get on the Crazy Cycle because without love a wife reacts without respect, and without respect a husband reacts without love.

The parent-child relationship is as easy, and as difficult, as love and respect.

Marriage is a tool and a test to allow God’s will to be revealed in our lives.

Don’t conclude that your spouse is wrong when he/she is seeking to do the right and righteous thing.

A strong woman of dignity puts on respect out of her love and reverence for Jesus Christ. She trusts that His word not only protects and empowers her, but also rewards her with incomprehensible eternal blessings.

When we speak before we think, we widen the chances the other person(s) will be notably hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, fearful, or offended by something we’ve communicated.

We all need love and respect equally. But, during conflict our felt needs are as different as pink is from blue.

Wives, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your husband not only back to you, but to God. Husbands, you never know: The way you handle this [conflict] might bring your wife not only back to you, but to God. (1 Corinthians 7:16)

She’ll feel at peace with you when you let her vent your frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off.

It is hard to be negative while being thankful.

Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative with lots of love and respect in between.

The more we are upset at something, the wiser it is to let twenty-four hours pass before responding.

Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.

You’re the only person in the world who can meet your spouse’s deepest need for love and respect. After all, you alone are married to your spouse.

Before hitting send, ask yourself, "Have I listened carefully and understand the exact issue on the table?"

Parenting is a faith venture. As we parent “unto Christ” we reap God’s reward, “knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord” (Eph. 6:8 NKJV)

You must distinguish between “I can’t” and “I won’t.”

Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for Jesus Christ.

Thank God for His forgiveness of your mistakes. In trying to be a loving man or a respectful woman, we blow it. Owning up to mistakes is never easy, but it is always the way to move forward. Take good care not to accuse your spouse of mistakes as you pray. Also, pray about any forgiving to be done in the family, any forgiveness that needs to be asked. Children may need forgiveness (and what about Mom and Dad?). “There is no one on earth who does what is right all the time and never makes a mistake.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

“Respect is a man’s deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, ‘I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.’ These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved.“

Do you understand that God feels compassion for you, no matter what you have done or what your circumstances may be?

Optimism or pessimism? It is always a choice, no matter what your natural temperament.

When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.

Your marriage is a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and reverence for Jesus Christ. God is using your spouse to bring you an eternal reward.

Mistakes can’t be undone, but they can be forgiven.