His Anger

[lostlove]

Gup20-I have read several of your posts and you are so good at explaining how L&R applies.

Nicole- you are caught in the crazy cycle. The more you talk about it, the more he withdraws. The more you push the issue, the more he feels dis-respected. Please read the book. Love and respect.

Always ask yourself, am I coming across respectfully? This does not mean doormat. This means you know after being married what is going to push his buttons. Stop. Does arguing him about the issue make you feel closer? Is there another way to discuss the issue without arguing?

Your husband loves you, and when he feels dis-respected he wants to quit talking about the issue. Best response he could give at that moment. There are far worse choices. He is doing this out of love for you. Crazy???? No you see he knows he doesn't want to say or do anything that will make things worse.

Try the Love and respect way for a couple of months. You might be surprised how much better he will respond. And you are doing it because God expects you to treat your husband this way.

I am not as articulate as some on this board, and they are giving you excellent advice. You both love each other, maybe you can go to a love and respect conference together and really work together to restore your marriage to its best.

I will include you in my prayers. God Bless.

[butterflybecca]

Can I say that I really appreciate hearing from the men's side? My husband is the angry type...he used to have a handle on it, but since the affair was revealed, his bitterness and anger towards God has been taken out on me over and over. Screaming...literally...in front of our kids and sometimes throwing things. He's moved out now, but still finds ways to take his anger out on me through texts, emails, and phone conversations. I come from an abusive home, so this is VERY difficult for me. I don't believe he'd ever physically hurt me, but my past tends to sneak up. I respond to him in fear, and that makes him feel disrespected. He's always saying, "How can you think I'd ever hit you! Why do you flinch like that?!" But to hear you guys with the same anger things to deal with...it so encouraging. If I can remember that his anger isn't about me...it's toward God...then I can handle it properly. And I love the idea to "go pray". I too am a person who crys SO often with him...at one point during all this I literally got on my knees and begged him to stop all this. Yeah, I know BAD idea. And it just made him angrier. Anyway, the point being that I thank you guys who are willing to share your own struggles in an effort for us women to understand our guys. It gives me hope!

[gnlmom]

I have been married for almost 8 years. The first few years were just awful...from the honeymoon on. And it was 99% my fault. I was literally crazy. I would scream and yell, scratch him. I had the most unrealistic expectations and it started eroding our relationship. I can't tell you how many nights we stayed up til 3 or 4 in the morning fighting with me crying and begging him to come back to bed. No wonder he went to the couch!

Seven and a half years later, we are at an even worse place with my husband wanting a separation and not knowing if he wants to stay. I, for the first time, am seriously leaning on the Lord. I couldn't do this without him. I finally have a peace that His will will be done no matter if I try to control it or not. For some reason I think I can get through to him, but it is quite the opposite. There is so much hurt and resentment that I am definitely not the person to preach to him! Even last night I tried and miserable failed. I feel real sadness that I couldn't just shut up and let the Holy Spirit be the one to speak to him.

I have been apologizing more and more quickly when I don't respect him or am rude or whatever, but I realize that he doesn't take me seriously because I keep doing it (although less than ever). So my prayer is that God will enable me to keep my mouth shut and pray for His love for my husband. I want to respect him because I love and respect my God. At this point, I don't feel he deserves respect because he has been unfaithful many, many times.

I pray that you will let the love and peace of God fill you and calm you. He really is all we need and I'm only finding this out because He is all I have.

I copied this from another poster here because I loved it

I'm exhausted-but God is my strength
I'm alone & sad- but God is with me
I feel unloved and don't know how I can go on- but God loves me

[713WFE]

Can I say that I really appreciate hearing from the men's side? My husband is the angry type...he used to have a handle on it, but since the affair was revealed, his bitterness and anger towards God has been taken out on me over and over. Screaming...literally...in front of our kids and sometimes throwing things. He's moved out now, but still finds ways to take his anger out on me through texts, emails, and phone conversations. I come from an abusive home, so this is VERY difficult for me. I don't believe he'd ever physically hurt me, but my past tends to sneak up. I respond to him in fear, and that makes him feel disrespected. He's always saying, "How can you think I'd ever hit you! Why do you flinch like that?!" But to hear you guys with the same anger things to deal with...it so encouraging. If I can remember that his anger isn't about me...it's toward God...then I can handle it properly. And I love the idea to "go pray". I too am a person who crys SO often with him...at one point during all this I literally got on my knees and begged him to stop all this. Yeah, I know BAD idea. And it just made him angrier. Anyway, the point being that I thank you guys who are willing to share your own struggles in an effort for us women to understand our guys. It gives me hope!

Hi. I so relate to your situation. You seem so much more positive than I tend to be. I have a similar "flinching" story, where my husband got mad at me, but it was way before he threatened me with divorce. I believe your flinching makes your husband aware that his behavior was threatening. (It may only be a subconscious awareness.)

I cry a lot too. I believe it does lighten up some as time goes on. I think you said you have a very young baby. The crying may get better as your body recovers from delivery.

My youngest turns one next week. We have 4 and my oldest just turned 8.

My husband has never liked pregnancy. He is NOT one of those men who thinks women are more beautiful when they are pregnant. I was pregnant when he had his 2nd emotional affair.

I believe that our baby has brought us together more, even though my husband admitted after agreeing to have another baby that he really did not want any more kids. She has given us more to appreciate in life. At one point, I believe that as my husband considered leaving, the thought of this little one not really ever knowing him as a dad was difficult for him to deal with.

My husband has changed his mind and now says he has no plans of leaving. I believe my behaviors of respect have helped significantly. I now struggle personally with my own anger about what has happened. I had prepared my heart for him to leave. I had come to the realization that there just may be nothing that keeps him here. He has free will. I believed him. (He was very convincing.)

Only, he didn't go. So time for me to shift gears again. I have gone from clinging to him, to letting him be free to go (but wishing he'd stay), to accepting that he still wanted to go and preparing for life without him (sad as that may be), and then to realizing that I could be happy without him. Then he decided to stay. I don't shift gears to well. So I am working out my feelings about this and trying to accept his decision, even though I fear he could change his mind again.

I admire your positive attitude. I think sometimes it is good to say, "If that is what you want, I choose not to stand in your way. But know that I do not want a divorce and I do not want to live separately. It is NOT what I want. However, you are free to do what you want. God will provide for me and the kids whether through you or not." (and then GO and cry your heart out - I did.)

About crying, I think that some men feel that if you are crying, then they have failed in some way. Other men may have an entirely different attitude and see crying as a weakness. My husband gets upset when I cry. I think he feels that he has failed in some unidentifiable way.

[713WFE]

I could use some advise on the difference between "doormat" and "respectful obedience."

My wedding vows were for me to "love, honor, and obey," my husband's were to "love, honor, and cherish."

I have been told that I need "boundaries" and to "stand up for what I want" (by someone who was meant to advise me through this difficult time.) however, in these instances I have felt that if I were to do what was advised, my husband would be disrespected. I am trying to do what God wants, and yet also trying to not let people take advantage of me, including my husband.

I would like an outside opinion of some things that a husband would consider disrespectful and what he would consider being a doormat. I don't actually have any examples that I need to apply this to right now, but I know that this can be a problem for me, personally.

[butterflybecca]

Hi. I so relate to your situation. You seem so much more positive than I tend to be. I have a similar "flinching" story, where my husband got mad at me, but it was way before he threatened me with divorce. I believe your flinching makes your husband aware that his behavior was threatening. (It may only be a subconscious awareness.)

I cry a lot too. I believe it does lighten up some as time goes on. I think you said you have a very young baby. The crying may get better as your body recovers from delivery.

My youngest turns one next week. We have 4 and my oldest just turned 8.

My husband has never liked pregnancy. He is NOT one of those men who thinks women are more beautiful when they are pregnant. I was pregnant when he had his 2nd emotional affair.

I believe that our baby has brought us together more, even though my husband admitted after agreeing to have another baby that he really did not want any more kids. She has given us more to appreciate in life. At one point, I believe that as my husband considered leaving, the thought of this little one not really ever knowing him as a dad was difficult for him to deal with.

My husband has changed his mind and now says he has no plans of leaving. I believe my behaviors of respect have helped significantly. I now struggle personally with my own anger about what has happened. I had prepared my heart for him to leave. I had come to the realization that there just may be nothing that keeps him here. He has free will. I believed him. (He was very convincing.)

Only, he didn't go. So time for me to shift gears again. I have gone from clinging to him, to letting him be free to go (but wishing he'd stay), to accepting that he still wanted to go and preparing for life without him (sad as that may be), and then to realizing that I could be happy without him. Then he decided to stay. I don't shift gears to well. So I am working out my feelings about this and trying to accept his decision, even though I fear he could change his mind again.

I admire your positive attitude. I think sometimes it is good to say, "If that is what you want, I choose not to stand in your way. But know that I do not want a divorce and I do not want to live separately. It is NOT what I want. However, you are free to do what you want. God will provide for me and the kids whether through you or not." (and then GO and cry your heart out - I did.)

About crying, I think that some men feel that if you are crying, then they have failed in some way. Other men may have an entirely different attitude and see crying as a weakness. My husband gets upset when I cry. I think he feels that he has failed in some unidentifiable way.

Some days it's easy to be positive...others it's not. I can tell that on the days I don't get in the Word, I am less positive. I've now accepted that he's gone, and may not come back...and slowly, ever so slowly, I'm learning to be content with things as they are.
Things were so awful in the last few months...literally I went from thinking he was just as happy and fulfilled as I was...he was VERY good at pretending everything was great. He was loving, kind, sweet, great sex life...and then my world came down around me in a single night as he told me what he'd done. I still expect to wake up and find it was some huge nightmare. In my mind, while we had normal couple problems, we were living the fairy tale "happily ever after". I mean, he was the one convincing me to have another little angel. So to go from that, to an extremely bitter husband...in just a few weeks...has been difficult. He would've never yelled at me in this way...cursed at me...done these things. I realize now it has been building in him, but for me it has been shocking. I think some part of me is actually in shock...I still keep expecting him to walk back in the door and tell me I have been hallucinating the last three months.
So to have him out of the house has been...peaceful and a very good time for me to reflect, regroup, and learn to trust in God and accept the storm. Lonely, depressing, hard, but peaceful. Now I can just not answer the phone...or say I have to go when he starts yelling or calling names. I know it's crazy, and I want him home, but I don't want the hurt or the fear that wells in me when he starts yelling. I can't express strongly enough...I can't believe this is him...I have to believe it's just the sin in his life. He is a good man. God revealed his sin, disciplined him, and is calling him back to the right road, and that makes my husband angry and stubborn (we all have that inner struggle between knowing what's right and doing it). The man I know, the man I've loved since I was just a kid (we've known each other since childhood...and have always been best friends, turned lovers, turned spouses)...this man seems to have disappeared, and my heart cries out to have him back.
Thing is, I know I'm partly to blame...I was so disrespectful. I loved him immensely, but I never showed him respect. And the sorrow I feel for that is part of what keeps me motivated. I'm part of why the man I love has disappeared...and I can be a part of what brings him back with "chaste and respectful behavior". Except this time, we'll rebuild with Christ as foundation...love and respect in the mix.
And if, in the end, he's my Judas like Dr. E has referrred to before, and doesn't return to Christ and our marriage, then I can praise the Father that He brought me back to Him through this. I can at least be a good example to our girls...teach them to be loving and respectful like I should've been all along. I'll thank Him for the beautiful years of marriage He gave me, the wonderful children I've been blessed with, and fight the bitterness and despair, for He is sovereign, and I believe in His providence. I stumble and fall...so often, but I won't give up anymore.