His Anger

[Nicole7771982]

Hi, I need to get a male's perspective...I've been married for a year now, but I've noticed how everytime my husband and I argue, his anger bursts just keep getting worse. He says I take him there, and in part I do, but I get frustrated too. He tends to start cursing, yelling, sometimes throws things around. He is defnitely a type A personality, while I hate conflict and like to stay calm and talk things out. He usually warns me, telling me, "I can't talk right now...we should stop" but by that point I'm usually really agitated and have trouble letting the issue go, especially because when I do, I usually go off to another room crying and he just either watches TV or falls asleep while I am suffering from not resolving conflict, and I'm left to myself thinking how he doesn't care if I'm crying and how I got myself in this problem. Also, my crying triggers him to be even tougher with me. He says "I can't talk with someone who is crying" and it sets me off big time.
Other times I get selfish, I start thinking to myself "why do I have to put up with his inability to stay calm just because I am the calm person? I have a point to make too," and I push the matter and by then it blows up even bigger.
I am very confused, sad, and depressed about this area in our marriage. I hate it when he starts yelling, especially when he comes close to my face. It scares me, even though I know he would never abuse my physically, it feels just as bad.
Usually by the next day he apologizes, prays to God to forgive him for his words and actions, but I feel rundown and usually by the next argument we fall into the same trap. How can I show him respect when I feel so unloved and disrespected while arguing? It's so difficult...I need a male's perspective....thanks.

[Randy]

Activilty level is pretty low on weekends, so for now you are stuck with this.


I've just read your post to 2 of the 3 men who share my home with me.
I wish I had an hour to respond but need to rest some before work.
Please consider this post incomplete.

The oldest (78) married at 40 to a divorced woman.
He worked as a cowboy and admits that he (before Christ) was an anger man.
Cowboy's answers are often simplistic (but often correct)
He says, "Your husband is still human, (not god yet). Consider who he is and make allowances."
His question for you is:
Are you saying to you husband?, "I know who you are and like you-sometimes."

Cowboy is not into L&R like I have been but I have come to the same conclusions (from another angle)

I thought of myself as "god". And I figured my wife should be able to read my mind.(as if she was a god)
I figured she should be able therefore to act appropriately to my (un) conveyed desires)

It took a crisis for God to get my attention.

I praise Him that He is more patient to me than I was to her.
Though I don't believe I would have hurt my wife physically, I didn't see how I hurt her emotionally. This was wrong.
God is continuing to show me more and more of my selfishness each day.
I find Him faithful in His love to correct me.

My anger was wrong. The evidence of a lack trusting God. I did not see my anger.
Like your H, I did not like to fight with a crying woman.
The conflicts stayed unresolved (usually in mutual "quiet mode" until I couldn't stand it and would say, "I'm sorry")
Overall, not truly ever resolved.

My wife has not admitted to me (in the last 6-1/2 years) that she too has a problem.

The other man (who heard your story) and I married friends, (we married in our early 20's, first marriages for all of us. His marriage lasted @25 yrs, my wife had me "evicted" at almost 29 years.

His wife had an admitted anger problem. He does not consider that he did.
Though he does "push buttons" (IMO "to excess") his simple answer to you problem is:
"No one can make you angry. Anger is your response to an irritant."

An uncomfortable comment for you , I'm sure, but it too is true.

Your husbands actions are NOT Christ-like Eph.5

For now, just work on you.

I pray that you can find help in getting off of this Crazy Cycle.

Emerson asks: Who is the one to "go first"?
His answer, "The one who is the strongest."

[suelittle29]

Sadly, I have been where you are...

and believe it or not, we have been without a "fight" for almost
2 years...

IMHO.. my husband has an anger management problem..
and he does not acknowledge it.

I cry when I am hurt/frustrated... he mocks me.

I used to reach out to him, because I felt so unloved.
and every time, he would prove me right, because he would
be even more unloving....

Classic Crazy Cycle.

I no longer cry in front of my husband. I go off and pray for him instead.

I no longer defend myself when he unfairly (or fairly) rips a strip of me..
... I go off and pray for him instead.

He almost left me... because he didn't like who he was with me...
... and said that it was ALL MY FAULT... he still believes that.

He is unfamiliar with the L&R principles.. but I am NOT... I can stay
off the crazy cycle because I go off and pray for him instead

He still gets ANGRY... and yells.. and throws things... and punches the wall... but I have no part of it. there is no Argument. he still blames me for his anger.

He isn't perfect. No one is perfect but GOD... and His love will never fail.

My advice to you?

go off and pray for him instead

... and pray for his wife, too. I know that I sure am.

Practice showing him unconditional Respect... "C.H.A.I.R.S."
and DO NOT ARGUE with him. Avoid it...

[suelittle29]

P.S... when my husband gets in my face and yells, etc.

I just close my eyes...

... show no tears..
... show no fears..
and Pray for Him..

... and my husband NEVER apologizes.... he even tells me that he would
do it all over again.

[Randy]

S'pose there is any power in a praying wife?!?

Thanks for the input Sue.

Here is a tidbit more before I go to bed. (missed my afternoon nap.)lol

IF your husbands are like I was, they are not only angry, they are angry they are angry.

Men also run with a high level of frustration.
Often it is economic. (the first curse in Eden) Work/sweat/work/sweat

Too often it is habits or lust(unbridaled desires)-hmmm sounds like that one was in The Garden also.

The root of these for me I would now call FEAR.

I directed my anger toward my wife to hide my insecurities.
Afraid of not being able to provide, fear that she would find out how men "think", fear she would reject me, leave me, NOT RESPECT me.

Do you see the pattern?

Hint: The anger is toward GOD.
The lack of trust is the lack of trusting GOD.

Frustration because He is not tangible the same way wives are.
You, unfortunately, get the brunt of men's core weaknesses because we wrongly view you as "less" than us.
Not very loving!!!
Not accurate either.

God made us different!

We were made to mesh like finely engineered gears running very close together (God said ONE)with the lubricants of "love" and "respect"

When we step out of the covenants God sealed us in, we pour grit into the works and it cuts and destroys.

Can we change???

With God, All things are possible. Our repentance is our action of faith and obedience. (Mark 10)

Could I love another woman other than my first wife?
Yes, but it would be a lie to the wife of my youth. (Malachi 2)
And that new object of my affection would eventually be exposed as covetous idolatry.(lusting for/giving something that belongs to someone else.

Rejecting God in disobedience is never going to bring the peace He proposes for us.
A broken and a contrite heart are what God desires. Mere obedience is not enough. God want us to love loving Him and His Way(s).

I pray for men to die to self and live wholeheartedly for God.
I pray this for women also, not knowing exactly how different these "deaths" must be manifested.
I wish I could talk to your husbands. I pray God brings them near to Himself and brings others into their lives to whom they can/will listen.

[suelittle29]

Thanks Randy... I always appreciate a man's perspective...

... I thank God that you can be on here,
baring your heart and soul to help out us pinks....

I realized after posting that this was the blue forum... :)

...

I want to emphasize to Nicole that you need
to start applying the L&R principles...

The pushing, and crying and following him around is seen
as definitely disrespectful

I followed my husband around many times to explain things..
i just wanted to smooth things over..
... and as you know... that NEVER WORKS!!!

Praying for you...

If you haven't read the book, please read it... focus on
YOUR actions... and NOT on His responses/responsiblities...

I haven't seen the videos... but I hear that they are even better!!

[michsam]

Another Pink comment, this time to quote a Blue author!

I want to pick up on the points Sue just made by sharing an additional resource with you.

In Chapters 10 and 11 of his 2006 book, Sacred Influence, Gary Thomas offers guidance to wives with angry husbands. On pp. 148-149 he explains why respect is so important:

In this issue, as with many others, it’s helpful to remind ourselves of the differences between a female brain and a male brain. A “female” approach to male rage often makes the situation worse. Many times, women wrongly assume that talking things out always makes things better – but many men simply need time to process their anger. It’s a biological fact that emotional conversation can feel very stressful for a man and actually increase his anger, particularly if that conversation gets pushed on him.

If you married a man whose anger and rage seem to build the more you talk, stop talking! Let your husband’s brain process the stress as you wait for him to come back to you. Just because conversation calms you down doesn’t mean it will have the same effect on your husband.

Thomas goes on to quote Emerson,

“In a relationship conflict, crying is often a woman’s response to feeling unloved, and anger is often a man’s response to feeling disrespected.”

Thomas continues:

If your conversation takes on a demeaning tone, you have as much chance of resolving something as you would baking a cake by throwing the ingredients down the garbage disposal. You can’t control your husband’s anger – but you can provoke it by being disrespectful. That doesn’t excuse any inappropriate actions on his part, but if you truly want to be part of the solution, then learn how to disagree with your husband without showing a lack of respect….Also, carefully consider your words. Do they suggest inadequacy? When you continually question your husband’s purchases, his ability to run the house or fix things, his choice of clothes, the way he handles the kids, and the like, you create a “frustration bomb.” These things build up over time, and eventually, one blatant act of disrespect lights the fuse that results in a blinding explosion.

Bottom line: All of the explanations for why God commands wives to respect husbands aside, as Sue says, the real key is to apply Love and Respect principles in your marriage!

[michsam]

When I post here, I often lose sight of the fact that some of those viewing any given thread may be unfamiliar with the L&R materials. So, I think it’s worth pointing out that this discussion is about a situation where a husband is angry, but is not physically abusive. Emerson and Sarah consistently emphasize the importance of wives protecting themselves and their children from abuse.

[michsam]

Nicole and Sue, I woke up this morning thinking about both of you and for everyone here who has an angry or unresponsive spouse.

In the midst of all the "do this, don't do that" advice, I want to step back for a minute. I want to encourage you with the Truth of the Rewarded Cycle. It’s God who is your Security. It’s God - not your spouse’s volatile emotions – who defines your worth. Don't forget that, ok?

Having an unresponsive spouse is so difficult. In the face of your husband’s anger, don’t let yourself forget your priceless value to God. But, also, don’t forget that God values your angry husband.

The truth of the Rewarded Cycle is that our love and respect are only meaningful if motivated by our love and reverence for God. The Rewarded Cycle reminds us that we must persevere, and that if our hearts are turned to God, we can persevere. He promises to give us the strength to do so.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his might power” Ephesians 6:10

[Gup20]

Hi, I need to get a male's perspective...I've been married for a year now, but I've noticed how everytime my husband and I argue, his anger bursts just keep getting worse. He says I take him there, and in part I do, but I get frustrated too. He tends to start cursing, yelling, sometimes throws things around. He is defnitely a type A personality, while I hate conflict and like to stay calm and talk things out. He usually warns me, telling me, "I can't talk right now...we should stop" but by that point I'm usually really agitated and have trouble letting the issue go, especially because when I do, I usually go off to another room crying and he just either watches TV or falls asleep while I am suffering from not resolving conflict, and I'm left to myself thinking how he doesn't care if I'm crying and how I got myself in this problem.

Dr. Eggerichs talks about this in his book. You see, while women confront to connect, men confront to control. When he is confronted, his response is to fight. If another man came at him like you are, he'd be picking a fight with your husband. His blood pressure elevates, and he goes into warrior mode.

When women confront, their blood pressure tends to remain low... they are trying to connect to increase love.

When he gets to a point where he knows it's about to get out of control, he wants to stop - be alone - let his blood pressure return to normal. When men have resolved conflict, they tend to just "drop it".

But a woman needs to "come full circle". She needs to talk about it, cry, release her emotions so that she can build a rapport and realize what she was feeling. What's happening is he's dropping it (which for him is resolution), but this leaves you hanging... leaves it unresolved for you because you didn't have that opportunity to bring it full circle.

Also, my crying triggers him to be even tougher with me. He says "I can't talk with someone who is crying" and it sets me off big time.

You're trying to release your emotions, and you just want him to do the same so that the situation can be resolved. You NEED to release your emotions, and he's denying you the very thing you need. Thing is, men don't really release our emotions ... we compartmentalize them, and analyze them slowly and rationally. There is literally a disconnect in men between left and right brain that women don't have. Womens' rational and emotional centers are connected, and they can process things MUCH faster and in a much more integrated way than men can. If we interject emotion into an analysis of our feelings, this is simply information overload for us. We break down and don't function.

Other times I get selfish, I start thinking to myself "why do I have to put up with his inability to stay calm just because I am the calm person? I have a point to make too," and I push the matter and by then it blows up even bigger.

Typically, we men feel like failures when we blow it. Because we have to process everything so slowly through our rational centers, we can even feel like a bigger failure for not being able to process or "just know" how we feel like women can. It can frustrate us greatly, and we feel an even greater amount of "disrespect" from this.

I am very confused, sad, and depressed about this area in our marriage. I hate it when he starts yelling, especially when he comes close to my face. It scares me, even though I know he would never abuse my physically, it feels just as bad.
Usually by the next day he apologizes, prays to God to forgive him for his words and actions, but I feel rundown and usually by the next argument we fall into the same trap. How can I show him respect when I feel so unloved and disrespected while arguing? It's so difficult...I need a male's perspective....thanks.

Dr. E addresses this in his phrasology: He says to say "That felt unloving, did I just come across as disrespectful to you?" What this phrase does is it expresses your concern that what he's doing is unloving but gives him the benefit of the doubt (give him respect) that A) he didn't intend to hurt you, or B) he is reacting to something you may not know you did to disrespect him. It sends him the message that what he's doing isn't ok, but doesn't accuse of him doing it unprovoked or without reason. It also tells him you are trying to respect him, and you didn't know you disrespected him, but want to resolve the conflict.

He'll probably say something like "Yeah... when you rolled your eyes, that felt disrespectful"... or something similar. Simply apologize, tell him you want to be respectful, and tell him you just reacted because you want to be reassured of his love for you. Chances are you are both just reacting (on the crazy cycle) to each other. If you can deal with this as the source of contention, you'll be able to move past it into dealing with the issues. Like Dr. E says - very often, the issue at hand isn't the real issue. Go deeper, and seek to meet his deepest need - the need for respect - even in conflict, and you will find things will be much smoother.

If you haven't done so yet, I strongly recommend you read the Love & Respect book by Dr. Eggerichs. It will help you to finally know what your husband is thinking, and why, and you won't have to wonder what will motivate him to respond to you in a loving way.