affection

[marilu]

Dear Emmerson,
My husband and I have been married for over 30 years, and we have listened to your presentation on Love and Respect many times. However, he is consistently unaffectionate. I believe this is part of who he is, and how he grew up, but I do get frustrated and lonely. What should I do to get his affection?

Thanks,

Marilu

[michsam]

Hi Marilu,

Welcome to the Forum! I’m so glad that you and your husband are committed to Love and Respect principles! You’re in such a great position to address this or any issue.

Affection was an issue for me, too, so I thought I would share my experiences. (But, please know that this comes with an advance apology if my experiences don’t resonate with you!)

When I first listened to the L&R DVDs, I thought I got it. Respect means: respectful words, fewer words, a respectful tone of voice, and respectful facial expressions.

So, I had a conversation with my husband about the fact that I would like more hugs, kisses, and handholding. The conversation was brief, my tone of voice was calm (versus upset or contemptuous), my facial expressions were respectful, and I explained how much this would mean to me. I then dropped it.

It didn’t work!

As I tried to figure out why, the eventual eye opener for me was the example in the L&R DVDs where Emerson and Sarah are on a walk. Sarah lightly and playfully says to Emerson, “A wife feels loved when her husband holds her hand.”

As I contemplated that example, I realized that there were three HUGE differences between that example and my approach. First, my tone of voice had been matter-of-fact. In a situation like this, it’s light and playful that communicates respect. Second, Sarah’s request was in-the-moment. She didn’t sit down and have a conversation with Emerson about the fact that, in general, she would like it if they held hands more often. Instead, she made a short, playful, real-time request. Third, Sarah didn’t allow the fact that she "had to ask" to detract from her enjoyment of her husband's affection!

In retrospect, my initial approach communicated the equivalent of “we have a problem” from the Marriage Book/Diet Book example. Softening my approach has worked! We kiss good bye each morning and hold hands more often. I’ve been amazed at how far a little affection goes. A brief kiss in the morning or occasionally holding hands sets the tone for me.

Finally, I've learned to adapt my requests to my husband’s preferences. Holding hands during a shoulder-to-shoulder drive in light traffic is something he enjoys. In contrast, sitting on the sofa with his arm around me as he watches TV at the end of the day detracts from his ability to unwind. It’s something we rarely do.

I hope this gives you some ideas!

[suelittle29]

thanks... for the suggestions,

.. and the reminder... ;)