Winning back my wife's love

[wife425]

hey bigNate, can I offer you a bit of encouragement? Affair partners are attractive and addictive because they offer escape from the real world. There are no mortgages, dirty laundry, and sick children to deal with in affairs. All the energy and attention in an affair is focused on each other and maintaining the illusion. When I realized my husband wasn't running away from me, and that he was running away from real life, it helped me stop wondering and worrying if I was his 1st choice.

So, keep up the good fight. Lean into God and He will give you the strength to continue doing the right thing, even when your wife doesn't acknowledge or appreciate your efforts. I know how difficult this is. For me, I had to stop revisiting the past (it was consuming me), stop worrying about the future (fear was paralyzing me) and live one day at a time being faithful to what God wants me to do.

I pray that your wife will realize that the life God has given her - with you - is exactly what she is looking for.

~wife425

[suelittle29]

Hey BigNate!

Please take a moment right now to ask God to take all the doubts
away.

You will make yourself crazy/sick/ulcers if you worry about what
she might do, or may be thinking.

You cannot change what she might do/think... so forget about it!!

... Everytime you have a doubt, give it immediately to God..
.. and try not to imagine the doubts that she must have... just pray that she can let go of her own doubts, too..

It was/is a very hard lesson to learn that your spouse will do what they will do. They will think what they will think. There is nothing you or I can do about... my husband says he doesn't love me. He is playing around online with strangers... I call them emotional affairs.. he calls them innocent...
..There is nothing I can do about it But PRAY!!!

God has called you to love your wife. Not only when she is lovable.

Love your wife. Pray for Her... Pray for HER HUSBAND to love her
the way God intended...

Praying for you...
Sue

[bigNate]

I want to give thanks to everyone that is on here and is trying to do the right thing for their marriage. As I read through these forums I see so much pain and indifference that it is hard to believe that people actually continue to keep going despite all the struggle it takes. One thing that generally shines through though is that most of the people here can be considered part of a community and that equates to strength in numbers, and through that strength I imagine there are quite a few success stories.

Thank you for the recent posts and words of encouragement, not a day goes by that I don't pray and hope for real and significant changes in both my heart and the heart of my wife. I still don't really know how to talk to my wife because I am trying to love her unconditionally and to be there for her and to do loving things so that I am always working towards being a better husband. I guess the hard part is to just be satisfied with that and not to try for something else.

I would love for her to share a little with me and to open up some more, but most days go by where we just engage in small talk and whenever I try to open a conversation about our issues she just jumps away from the topic as quickly as possible. I don't want to get back into roomate mode and just live life like nothing has happened, but sometimes it seems that is precisely what she is working towards. We will hopefully go back to see our counselor this week and I am hoping that maybe the visit will give me some peace and clarity and give some added strength to carry on being the good husband that loves his wife in accordance with God's will.

Thanks again.

[bigNate]

It has been quite a few months now and I am pretty sure that we are finally past the crisis phase. My world has changed so much and I have learned so much over the last several months, that I can see my outlook on life will never be the same.

I think I can safely say that I have won my wife back, we are back to where we were before any affairs came between us. The problem with that is that now with all the knowledge that has come from counseling and reading, I know that where we were before is not good enough and is not a stable enough foundation for a marriage.

I want so much for my marriage to be a model of Love and Respect and I have been actively doing my part for a very long time now to make that happen. My problem now is that my wife seems content to just let things be the way they used to be and I am having a really hard time getting her to read any of the materials that I have read and re-read over the last 9 months. It seems to me that she is holding something back and is not willing to take that last step to really trust in me and to love me with reckless abandon.

I know that I need to start making her make decisions about the direction I would like our relationship to go, but it can be a bit scary and intimidating to try and push her. I want so much more than we had before and I really want to continue making progress, and I just don't really know where to start because she gets defensive when I try to bring up the subject that we still have some work to do with our relationship.

Any good suggestions would be appreciated.

[Gup20]

It has been quite a few months now and I am pretty sure that we are finally past the crisis phase. My world has changed so much and I have learned so much over the last several months, that I can see my outlook on life will never be the same.

I think I can safely say that I have won my wife back, we are back to where we were before any affairs came between us. The problem with that is that now with all the knowledge that has come from counseling and reading, I know that where we were before is not good enough and is not a stable enough foundation for a marriage.

This is a fantastic report, bigNate. God will continue to bless the efforts you've made to move toward your wife and love her unconditionally. As you built a new foundation based on Love & Respect you will continue to improve.

I know that I need to start making her make decisions about the direction I would like our relationship to go, but it can be a bit scary and intimidating to try and push her. I want so much more than we had before and I really want to continue making progress, and I just don't really know where to start because she gets defensive when I try to bring up the subject that we still have some work to do with our relationship.

Any good suggestions would be appreciated.

Not really sure what you mean by "I need to start making her make decisions". In fact, I don't know that this is possible. Your love can motivate her, but you have to realize that you cannot "make" her do anything.

The best cure for someone "getting defensive" when you bring up a topic is to take responsibility and free them from blame or guilt. I recommend asking her about YOUR mistakes, and not HER mistakes. Take ownership and responsibility for the failures between you and you will relieve her and allow her to discuss things without getting defensive.