Winning back my wife's love

[bigNate]

Hello,

I have been married over 11 years, and in my own way I have loved my wife for all of that time, but after some time working with Love and Respect, I came to the realization that I have failed miserably as a husband for all of that time.

My wife had an affair with physical intimacy in early 2007, and came to me with the information. It shocked me to the core and I begged for forgiveness and was even nice for a time. Her lover rejected her and after he did that she came to me and wanted to work things out. At her recommendation we just pushed things under the carpet and tried to pretend that we could move on. I didn't change my ways except for belittling her in public, but everything else stayed the same. A few months ago I was invading her privacy (checking her email) and found she is having an emotional affair over the Internet with an old friend that made her feel special while they were together in school for 3 months.

I went to a chaplain and poured out my story, and now we are in counseling. The problem is that my wife has told me that she doesn't love me anymore and feels like it may be too little, too late. We have had some ups and downs, but I checked her email again and found that during our counseling time she has still kept in contact with this person and is still deeply connected to him. I confronted her and now she is upset that I caught her in a lie, and that I am so paranoid that I was checking her email.

We have made some progress and for the first time in my life, I feel that I understand just how badly I had hurt her over the years. I still feel hurt and it is still hard to forgive and to trust, but I am trying to do everything in the book to show her the love she needs and hoping she'll open up to me and try to connect with me again.

I am working on "love your wife regardless of respect" because right now she is staying for the childrens sake and has not come to me and said she is dedicated to working on our marriage. It is a cold existence and it makes me so sad and fearful living like this. I cannot imagine a life without the love of my wife and it is so painful living without it.

I know it will take time, but can anyone help with ways to keep strong and keep trying to get close to my wife even when she is pushing me away? I don't want to be too pushy, but want ways to draw her close to me (if anything just to vent) because it is a cold existence living with a woman that has that much pain in her eyes.

Thanks,

[Corwin999]

Everything in your post says "I messed up, now tell me how to fix it." So I will tell you, as best I know. You are not going to be happy with the answer, but it is the truth, and you need this answer.

First, the simple "don'ts". Simple, but not easy.

Don't check her e-mail. Do not try to monitor her behavior. Her sin is her choice and her responsibility, as yours is yours. You are not a marriage cop. Trying to be one casts her in the role of criminal, poisoning your relationship. Cops and criminals do not have good relationships.

You have no business looking for blockages in her eye when your own eye is so full of log.

You are not her parent, and trying to be one casts her in the role of a child. Parents and children do not have marriage relationships, and trying to impose a parent-child relationship on a marriage is perverted in all senses.

You are not her Holy Spirit. Not only are you (or any of us) incomprehensibly arrogant to even try to be, we cannot do the Holy Spirit's job. Casting yourself in that role means you are playing God, and is a prideful sin no different from Lucifer's "I will be like the Most High."

Your prying and controlling derives from fear and pain. You have admitted that fear and pain is self-inflicted, but is is not easily self-healable. I can take a knife to my leg, I cannot easily heal my own leg in the same quick and easy way. But I can do the right things to promote my leg to heal.

Your job is to cease doing the wrong things and start doing the right things to allow your marriage to heal.

Counseling is a great beginning, but it won't work if you do not work specifically on yourself. L&R can help you do that, if you are willing to heed its Biblical teachings. But it will be a long hard road.

Hear this again - nothing is likely to happen quickly. Your pain will not go away, because your marriage is not going to be quickly fixed. Your pain can be relieved if you turn to the Lord and not the circumstances of your marriage. The marriage should not be the source of your happiness and contentment; if it is, it remains an idol in your life.

As Emerson said, love the Lord and that love will spill over into your marriage. Respect and honor the Lord and that respect will spill over into your marriage.

Think of the closest person to you outside of your marriage - say, your father. What if your whole life your father had been coldhearted, cruel, unloving, prideful, harsh, selfish...and just when you are old enough to prepare to leave home, as you are practically going out the door in fact, he says to you "I've had a change of heart, I am sorry, please don't go, stay home with me." After your whole life of misery, how likely are you to simply turn around and stay?

Rather, it will take time and a lot of healing to get you believing he has really changed. Years.

Is your marriage worth years? Then don't force or rush it. Work on yourself, and love her with NO expectation of result. You must love her because it is YOUR righteousness in the Lord that is at stake, not that you want her love and respect in return.

[tona.cornelius]

"But it will be a long hard road..."

"Hear this again - nothing is likely to happen quickly..."

"Rather, it will take time and a lot of healing to get you believing he has really changed. Years..."

Corwin - please stop putting God's timing in a box and on your timeframe.
He is God you know, and can save, heal, redeem, restore, make new faster than we can blink our eyes. Remember, His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts.

I am one of those "prepare for the worst, hope for the best" folks, which I am finding out from the Lord is not what His nature is. So I will (in His strength) crucify those thoughts and take them into captivity unto the obedience of Christ.

A better way to say it would be "Patience" - and how you get it - James 1 will tell you how.

Our God can and will do exceedingly abundantly more than we can ask for or hope according to the power that dwells within us.

Hoping that I have not come across in any other way than speaking the truth in love.

[michsam]

One of the things I value about the Love and Respect Forum is that it’s a place for Evangelicals of various stripes to gather together with a common purpose - growing in our understanding of what it means to obey God’s commands to husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:33.

Right now, I’m rereading The Language of Love and Respect. My hope is that by sharing what God is teaching me through each of the chapters, I’ll encourage others to read this marvelous follow-on to Love and Respect.

I’ve posted elsewhere on the first three chapters and am now rereading Chapter 4, where Emerson explains what he means when he encourages us to assume that our spouse is “good-willed.” As I read the posts on this thread, I immediately thought of Emerson’s remarks in Chapter 4, because they provide a beautiful reconciliation of Corwin’s and Tona’s comments.

Referencing Paul’s words in Romans 7, Emerson reminds us that there are two dimension to our nature: “the side created in the image of God and the fallen side corrupted by sin” (p. 72).

I hear Corwin cautioning bigNate that he will always groan inwardly and long for a better world (Romans 8:23; II Cor. 5:2), while Tona reminds us of the joy and triumph over sin that is possible because the Holy Spirit lives within us (Romans 8:9; II Cor. 3:18).

Both perspectives are true! The struggle for each of us is to hold both truths in tension.

I can say the words so easily – I am to respect my husband for his desire to be the man that God created him to be, without allowing myself to become bitter or complacent about the man he actually is. But, it’s not always easy to know what it means to live out those words in the rough and tumble of daily life.

That’s why I’m so grateful for the Forum. Learning what it means to live it out is what our sharing and point-counterpoints are all about.

P.S. With apologies to Corwin or Tona, if I’ve mischaracterized your remarks!

[Corwin999]

Tona is right, I should not put things in such definite terms. I should say "probably take a long time" rather than "will take a long time," for example. God can, of course do anything he wishes, and we hope and pray for miracles.

I do believe it is better to be prudent, wise and work for improvements while awaiting miracles; hope for a miracle but do not depend on a miracle. I am reminded of the man on the roof in the flood; a rowboat, a powerboat, and a helicopter all came by in turn to take him off the roof. Each time he waved them away, saying "God will save me." Later in the day in heaven, he asked the angel showing him around why God had not saved him. The angel looked at him in amusement. "But He sent you a two boats and a helicopter..." Sometimes the miracle is right there, if we follow the Lord's ways rather than our own.

[tona.cornelius]

Michsam and Corwin:

Oh wow! I probably say this statement way too much.

It is true as Michsam says - thre rough and tumble of life often makes doing the Word so difficult.

I agree with Corwin about being prudent and wise when it comes to waiting - and Psalm 38 says it best - Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him. Do not fret because of the man (or woman) who prospers in his (her) way, beacuse of the man (woman) who brings wicked schemes to past. Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret, it only causes harm
(Psalm 38:7-8).

bigNate - take your failures, your hurts, your care and concerns to the Lord. And ask Him to help you leave them there. As my wise husband says - once you scramble eggs, you cannot unscramble them. But the Lord works all things together for good to those who love Him, to those who are the called according to His purpose. He will make all things beautiful in His time and He is the God of all flesh, nothing is too hard for Him. God is the God of reconciliation in Jesus Christ - First, ask Him to reconcile you to Himself, then reconcile your wife to Himself, then to reconcile your marriage. Then, be ready to do His word.

Big hugs, agape love and blessings to all.

[bigNate]

I am still here and I am still waiting for a miracle to happen regarding the relationship between my wife and I. We are continuing with our counseling and I am still living with my fear on a daily basis. The reason I am so afraid is that my wife has not committed to putting the lover she is holding onto out of the picture yet.

I have put my faith in loving her unconditionally and doing my best to be the husband that I have never been, and for the most part I feel like I am doing a good job with that. We have finally been able to have those long talks and meaningful conversations where nothing is taboo and everything is out on the table. It has been uplifting to finally put some trust in my relationship with my wife because I feel it has finally gotten to a point where she will come out with the truth rather than sugar coat things or ignore them entirely just to spare my feelings.

The bad thing is that those conversations up to this point have mostly exposed the fact that she no longer really loves me and that she is deeply in love with this other person. It is extremely difficult to hear this, but in the interest of connecting with her and really working things through before she makes any decision, I am doing my best to be supportive and understanding.

I feel like I have learned so much about myself, and I have learned so much about the needs my wife has and has never had fulfilled by me. I am praying for another chance to work on our relationship, but right now things are in limbo until she makes her decision about whether she wants to try and trust in me again, or if she will succumb to her emotions and leave me to pursue another life.

[Corwin999]

I was right there with you until "in the interest of connecting with her and really working things through before she makes any decision, I am doing my best to be supportive and understanding."

I am not entirely sure what this means, so let me just say, if this interpretation is wrong, please forgive and ignore me.

If this means you are being supportive and understanding of her, but not her sinful behavior, all to the good.

But if this means you are being supportive and understanding about her sin, then this will probably backfire. You must take a stand against sin in your marriage. It's OK to say "I love and respect you honey but what you have done is wrong, we are still married, no matter if you are in love with him or not. Marriage is not about the feelings of the moment, it is a covenant that is sealed before God." If you accept her sin along with her, she will lose respect for you as a man. I suspect she wants you to oppose this sin, wants you to fight for her.

[bigNate]

I am still here and my wife is still at home, but things are far from being resolved one way or another. I think every day I am getting a little bit stronger and as I go back and look at my journal that I am keeping I see a lot of growth in myself. I am not an overly religious person but the reading materials that the chaplain has provided have been a great help in getting me to see that I must make changes within myself and pray for God to help my wife do the same before we will be able to meet together on common ground. I have stopped spying on my wife and I have stopped pushing her and trying to make her change. I spend every day showing her my love and support and letting her know that I don't believe in a divorce and that the committment of marriage is meant to allow people second, third, or even more chances to work on roadblocks that creep up in relationships.

Don't worry Corwin, I am not condoning her behavior, I tell her that what she has done is wrong and that it has hurt me very deeply, but at the same time I am trying to be understanding of her and her feelings because I know that she is very mixed up right now and needs someone to show her love and understanding even though she has hurt that person and tried to push me away.

She did finally send an email to her lover telling him that she cannot offer him anything, so I can take some comfort in that, but in reality she is still very much in love with him and made it clear that for the moment she is only staying for the sake of the children. She still asks me to just let her go, and she even says that there is no promise that we can have a relationship again, but I keep telling her that I love her no matter what happens and that I will not let her go, that decision will have to be made by her and her alone.

At times I see some promise and hope in our discussions, but it is still a very shaky and cold relationship between us so far (at least from her end). I feel like I am really growing as far as my maturity and my faith in letting God guide our relationship, and that is a comfort to see some progress and if for some reason she does decide to leave me, at least my faith in God will hopefully guide me through those painful days much better than I would have on my own a few weeks or months ago. I can see some growth in her as well, I believe she has some very deep down emotional issues that she has never really had the courage to bring to the surface, and she is working through that with her journal and the guidance of our chaplain who is working on counseling us.

I just pray that I continue to grow, and continue to do more of the right things and less of the wrong things. I hope my wife will do the same, and I am starting to get resigned to the fact that it may or may not take a very long time before we are able to work through our own issues and meet somewhere in the middle to hopefully work on our relationship.

Thanks,

bigNate

[firemanswife]

BigNate, Have you read the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson? He really helps us to understand how we need to let our spouse go in order to draw them back to us. This book has really helped me, I think it can help you too.