How do I love a woman who no longer loves me?

[military man]

Ok, so if you haven't guessed yet, I'm currently serving in active duty status in the United States Army. While I was deployed in Iraq in 2008 my wife had an affair with two different men, one of which she ended up falling in love with. When she finally broke the relationship off, we tried to go to counseling but it never worked. We moved (or PCS as the army calls it) to Hawaii and things got better for a short period of time. During that time I began drinking heavily and that did not help our already very strained marriage. She brought my drinking problem to my attention and I promptly stopped drinking. I began to go to church again around this time and tried to get her to come with me. Also during this time, she got a job as a cocktail waitress and started making friends with the locals. She started staying out late, sometimes not coming home at all. About 6 weeks ago she asked me to move out and told me that she wanted some time apart. In the ensuing 6 weeks, she has told me that not only does she no longer love me, but that she has began seeing another man that she works with. Also during the past 6 weeks, I have read the Love and Respect book and the last two chapters really spoke to me. God has recently put on my heart that I am to love my wife as Christ loves the church...unconditionally. My only problem is that I don't know exactly how this is supposed to work. My only prayer is that God would draw my wife back to Him and to get ahold of her life in a powerful way. I need help. Any ideas, encouragement, similar stories?

[Corwin999]

First, you need to get the videos. The book is just a taste of what you will learn from the videos. I am not trying to sell you something, except I believe the videos (or the live seminar) communicates so much better.

You also need to get counseling for yourself. See your chaplains or other counselors. Make sure you note and inform your chain of command that this is for marriage and family counseling, so it won't damage your security clearances, if any. Marriage and family counseling is supposed to be exempt from impact on your clearance.

This will be a long hard road, in all probability, since adultery has already taken place. You have a lot of forgiveness ahead of you, as well as humility - and maybe humiliation - for your part in this situation.

The most important thing you can do is to fix yourself and your own relationship with the Lord. Even if you think she is more at fault than you, you cannot expect her to respond until and unless you have put yourself in order.

Once you do that, begin showering her with unconditional love. Imagine that instead of your cheating wife, imagine she is an unmarried woman that you want to woo - then start wooing her. Make you yourself a place where she wants to be. Make it clear to her that you have changed yourself - not by saying so, but simply by doing. Refuse to respond badly to any abuse from her. Stand up as a man and absorb her anger at your offenses to her. Apologize to her and do not demand anything in return. Be respectable and admirable and she may begin to respect and admire you again. Forgive her and let past wrongs be in the past.

Win her with love.

I recommend you watch the movie Fireproof as well. It may speak to your heart.

[military man]

First off let me thank you for your post, all your encouragement and your good suggestions. However, with all of that being said, my wife and I are getting a divorce. It became absolutely clear that there is no longer any possibility of our marriage being saved. For a marriage to be saved, both parties must be willing to address issues and have a desire to work toward a common goal (i.e. saving the marriage). The nail that really drove the coffin shut came last week when I stopped by my house one morning to pick up some papers for work and discovered that the man my wife was "getting to know" was sleeping in my bed. I had been asking God to please show me what it is that He wants me to do and I believe that this was His answer. It's time to truely put this marriage in the grave, in the tomb so to say, and if God should decide to resurrect it, the it's totally on Him. As for me, it's time to move on. I need to look to what effect me not making a decision like this is saying to my children. Their mother has gone the complete opposite direction of God and what He has for her life. I see my job now as being to show my children what right is and how to live the way God wants a man to live. This whole time is HORRIBLE and I am trusting solely upon God and His grace to sustain me in this time. Anyone have any encouragement regarding divorce and how to get through it? I could definitely use it.

[Randy]

I see my job now as being to show my children what right is and how to live the way God wants a man to live. . . . I am trusting solely upon God and His grace to sustain me in this time.

Good Advice to listen to given above.


Quotes below are what the Devil will tell you.
You might even get such advice at church, from family & friends or even hear them here.
You might even speak them yourself.

It became absolutely clear that there is no longer any possibility of our marriage being saved.

For a marriage to be saved, both parties must be willing to address issues and have a desire to work toward a common goal (i.e. saving the marriage).

I had been asking God to please show me what it is that He wants me to do and I believe that this was His answer.

It's time to truely put this marriage in the grave,. . .

As for me, it's time to move on.

Having just called you a "devil" let me concur that your feelings are real- - -

This whole time is HORRIBLE

And I understand.
But I must add-

WHAT GOD WANTS TO TEACH YOU IN THIS CAN MAKE IT WORTHWHILE.
Much of my journey and contact info is on thread below. I am praying for you.
http://www.loveandrespect.com/vbulle...hread.php?t=51

Learning of God's Love for us,
Randy

EDIT. The above thread link does not share much of my "journey" as much as "where I have jouneyed to"
Today I also have edited Post 29 on page 3 there.

[Corwin999]

While I concur with Randy's intentions, sentiment, and much of what he says, he comes at it from the viewpoint that all divorce is prohibited by scripture.

I do not believe that, but I do believe that God hates all divorce, and divorce is a despised and unfortunate last option when a sinful person exercises their God-given free will to reject God's intentions for their life, and causes the divorce.

In simple terms, I believe that you should not initiate the divorce, because to do so is to embrace, rather than struggle against, the thing God hates. Separation because of the adultery, absolutely. Protect yourself and your children from her sin and the consequences of her sin as much as you can. But you should not be the one to initiate the divorce. The reasons you cite are, as Randy said, lies that Satan and secular society had told you, to get you to accept a sinful resolution.

You should be praying and fasting for the restoration of your marriage. You should be praying that your wife is horribly miserable in her sin, that the Lord will convict her and bring her back to Him first, then back to you. You should not let your feeling of offense, which is completely understandable, make you believe that divorcing her is right. It's not. Only if she forces a divorce upon you are you, I believe, blameless. After that, I believe you are free. Randy would disagree with that, but I leave it up to your conscience and interpretation of scripture.

You see, as long as you remain married, even if she is living in sinful adultery, there is hope for the restoration of your marriage. The Lord can work miracles, and has rescued people from sin far worse (if such things can be quantified) than her sin. If you initiate a divorce, you are denying the power of God to restore your situation, and wiping out the opportunity for the Lord to perform a miracle for you. You will be trading Biblical hope for the best, for the good, or perhaps just the mediocre.

[Randy]

FYI

I do not believe God "forbids divorce".

I believe God "allows" for divorce in some instances.(which I will not go into)

I believe God has standards for marriage that can only be met by the ending of certain existing relationships.(which I will not go into)

I believe God's example of remaining faithful even as He divorced applies to us.(Jeremiah-but avoid the wrong NASB translation of Jer. 3 verse 1 ) Hosea also shows of God's view of marriage faithfulness.

I believe Romans 7:2-3 is very clear in what God expects of us.
I do not believe that "unconditional" love or respect can be shown outside of covenant marriage.



The basic issues seems to be: "How does God define marriage?" and "Will we concur with God?"

If "marriage" is just a temporary earthly arrangement for procreation, provision, passion and pleasure then it cannot be an example for PURITY, PARTNERSHIP, NOR A PICTURE OF CHRIST'S PERFECT LOVE FOR HIS BETROTHED AND THE YET TO BE CONSUMATED UNION WITH HIS HOLY CHURCH.

[skylene]

My heart breaks for you as you are going through this tough time Military Man.
Although I agree wholly with what Randy has said I would like to bring up a different point.

As a Child both my parents stepped outside of thier marriage and had affairs, they divorced and remarried. Mom is on #3 right now and my dad was married twice and common law twice before his death.

Having lived through all that as a child, I became very untrusting of men. I was sure that if I ever got married I would eventually be abandoned by whoever i married. This ended up being a huge issue with my husband and I before we were even joined in marriage. I had so much baggage that I did everything I could to push him away.
I have since gone through much councilling and have finally learned to trust. The first year of our marriage was extreamly rocky.

Why am I telling you all this? Right now you have the opertunity to show your children Christs love. By sticking to the word of God and loving your wife regardless of the bad mistakes she makes, You will also show your children that God will never abandon us when we do wrong.

God Bless you through all of this.

[luv2byk]

I believe that there is an assumption within L&R that we are dealing with a good-willed spouse, one who may be causing us enormous amounts of pain but nevertheless wants the marriage to work. It does not appear from your posts that this is your wife's current heart toward you. You cannot change anything that she is doing, or make her respond toward you in the ways that you long for. You can only choose to love her, in spite of all that she has done. And that would be incredibly difficult. ONLY by looking straight past her and straight at Christ, and doing it for HIM, not for her, would you ever be able to respond to her in love, again and again, and give her the opportunity to change. I believe with all my heart that love like that is incredibly powerful, and if anything can move her heart, that will, because you would then be demonstrating Christ's love to her. But in the end, you can only decide and take ownership of your side, you can choose to love her and that is powerful, and it will change YOU, as you draw nearer to Christ by listening and obeying Him in the most difficult ways imaginable. This is incredibly difficult but also very powerful stuff. but even so, there are no guarantees, she has to make her own choices. I am so sorry for all that you are going through.

[Twang]

I know the feelings expressed here. Several of you know of me and my struggles to regain my wife's trust and love after 10 yr marriage nearly devoid of affection. She lashes out to hurt constantly. Telling me that she can get my level of intimacy from anyone. Telling me that she feels nothing for me. We spent and incredible New Years eve together, only to have the feelings negated by my ability to be selfless towards her. I learned from that and we spend 2 weeks in absolute love and passion. Open. close. real. I fall HARD for my wife. Love, Lust. desire.
Then a week ago, at my sons Ballgame, i drift off in to a daydream about the night she and i spent previous. graphic and intense. During which she sees my eyes appear to focus on another woman in the crowd. There have been times in my history that I have gawked or second glanced due to the pornography that used to permeate my life. She believes i was having sex in my mind with the woman at the ballgame. I was not.
I have asked God to forgive me. I know he has. I have turned away from the sin that I was previously held in. She believes that the pornography has ruined my ability to love in a real and natural way. I do not process things like I used to. Images do not lead me to lust like they used to. In fact, the daydream in question was one of the first i've allowed myself to have since I came to terms with the sin in question.
I do not know what to do. After the incredible 2 weeks we spent it now seems all is lost. I cannot continue to hurt and feel like im hurting her. Please help me.

[suelittle29]

One incident of Misunderstanding...

... she saw a glimpse, at least in ther opinion, of the "old" you..

She is HURT... Please don't expect that everything will be
perfect just like that... (two good weeks)

You are being tested. and you can continue to hurt...

I pray that you pass the test.

1 Peter 3: 13,14a
Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good?
But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed.

This verse came to mind as well...

Matthew 19:26
"Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."