Need advice! I think my wife hates me

[713WFE]

firechief10:

I have not been keeping up with posts here, so please forgive me if I've missed something already said. I don't have any greatly wise point of view or anything, but here is what I now from my experiences so far.

All people are different and only your wife and God know what is going on inside her.

Some people are attracted to danger in an unhealthy way. I would venture to say this is usually a desire for control or a need for a release. It sometimes looks like your teenager towing the line of dicipline. (Will I actually get in trouble if I do this?) It is sometimes manifested as an addiction, or full-blown rebellion. When under pressure, things change.

There may not be anything that you could pick out to say, oh this is what triggered my wife's behavior. She may be under an extreme amount of pressure that you cannot relate to (because the exact same circumstances would effect you entirely differently.)

If a person is not saved, then who do they answer to if they decide they want to behave badly?

As far as the photographs are considered, in my opinion, if it suggests an idea (of something that should not be done) then the behavior is also inappropriate. however, from my point of view (being a wife), it would not be my place to tell my husband to stop any like behavior. I could tell him (if he were doing such things - which he is not) that I do not approve, it hurts me, it is disrespectful to me, it devalues me, etc. But I have learned that my husband does not answer to me, he answers to God. So that type of behavior is between the person and God.

I think that a husband could say to a wife, I do not think that this environment is a good one for you...

It probably would not be received well, and who knows what your actual circumstances are that might prevent you from going that direction. And, I'm sure that there are people who would disagree with a husband telling his wife to find a different job, or quit associating with certain friends. I guess it's a matter of deciphering what is right in your role as a husband.

I certainly would be nettled if my husband told me to quit associating with certain people, but I would have to admit that he is the leader of our house, and by choosing not to obey him in that respect would be disobedient to God as well. (I'm SURE there are people reading this very statement who disagree, or, at least, who would be disinclined to present such a point of view.)

Without knowing your circumstances better (and from both points of view) I can only guess what is going on.

I do not believe that all women like "bad boys" and the "nice guys finish last." I believe that when women grow up, the realize they really do want a person who is strong and loves them in the way they were designed to be loved.

I also believe that when men grow up, they realize that they do not want a woman sloely because of how she looks, or a woman that they can post a picture of up on the wall, or one that they pass nude pictures of around the office. The purpose of a woman, treated in that manner, is only physical, and is saturated with disrespect. I would venture to say that a man would not love (or commit to) a woman they treated in that way.

A "yes man" is someone that I would think of as not being able to have their own opinions. I would not like that either.

I suppose the lack of a desire in your wife for poems and romance would cause you to feel similar to the way a wife feels when her husband has no time for foreplay or "getting in the mood," or when he responds with a desire for sex after the hurt feelings that follow a fight. I don't think that anyone would tell a wife in this situation to expect poems and flowers from their husband.

I know that if my husband were to come home with flowers for me, I would feel loved. For some reason, he thinks it is a waste to purchase cut flowers. It seems to me that we tend to marry people who are vastly different from ourselves. I suppose it is a matter of learning how to treat the other person in the way they want to be treated (without crossing any lines that God would not want us to cross. - your wife does not really want to be abused, and, even if she did, God does not want you to abuse her. Pysically, emotionally, or spiritually.)

Also, a hardness can develop inside a person when they decide they no longer want to feel weak. They may even begin to believe that femine qualities are a "weakness."

I guess the best thing to do is to evaluate your behavior in the face of God and decide what you should be doing and what would be wrong behavior in your circumstances.

[michsam]

Because I’m blind to my own sin, my primary focus should be on God’s commands to me. My obedience to God is the primary way I am to encourage my husband to want God’s best for his life (and vice versa).

But, that’s not a complete summary of Biblical counsel. We are to obey “unto Christ.” Enabling a spouse’s sin is not what God has in mind when he commands husbands and wives to love and respect. (Let’s not forget Ananias and Sapphira!)

Another way to say this is that I’m to see my husband as the man God designed him to be, without becoming bitter or complacent about the man he actually is. Holding that tension requires discernment. I need to listen to the Holy Spirit.

Which brings us back to what’s most important……the Rewarded Cycle. Love and Respect is fundamentally about our relationship with God.