Need advice! I think my wife hates me

[jesse1040]

We have been together for over a year and married for several months. I have failed to make her happy. The harder I try to be sweet the more she closes herself to me....I feel as if I am drained and all my efforts are in vain. I loved shakespear as a child and I adore poetry, but I am unable to have the same romantic love with my wife as I would like. I have gotten to the point that I expect her to treat me with disrespect and lack of compassion. I have studied all the different languages of love yet all have failed to produce postive fruit. When she looks at me I see hate and malice. Why?? I have always loved her, always put her first in my life, been sympathetic to her desires. She doesn't seem to want to make love with me either, and I am very athletic and have above average looks(I think so). I am so tired of always being rejected and feeling dirty about myself as if I am some sort of a scum bag for wanting to make love to my wife. I provide for all the bills in the home, and cook as well. I thought perhaps I was being too kind and was being taken advantage of so a manned up and demanded what I thought I deserved, but sadly that was even worse then being passive and allowing her to have her way. I am lost in a sea of unrequited love and have no hope of staying a float. I am young and out of my depth. I need advice. Please respond to me asap.

[aquignon1]

Before giving any advice, I think some more information would be helpful. Have you read the book(s). And what does your wife say?...in an argument?...when you try to get intimate?...when she "nags" you?

Does she work, too? Do you have children? /What does she spend the bulk of her time doing? Who does she spend the bulk of her time with (other than you)?

Just trying to get some insight into her thought processes.

[Corwin999]

Yes, more info is needed here. From what you say there should be no problem...so we can't see a problem. Are you sure you aren't sugar-coating things at all? Was there every a time when you were in synch? When and under what circumstances did things change? Were you apart for an extended time?

Need input!

[JnC2004]

I agree. More info is needed. We can't speculate, otherwise we'll give advise based on false information and do more harm than good.

It could be many things.

This isn't a speculation, but is it possible your wife is having an affair? I've done a lot of study on women's adultery and malice towards the husband is a common symptom. The short version is that affairs contradict the kind and faithful image we have of women, and when a woman does it, the only way to hold on to this image is to make her husband the culprit. I'm not accusing your wife of having an affair, nor am I trying to scare you, I'm just asking if this is a possibility (and hopefully it is not) because her behavior is in line with it. If it is the case, and we act like it isn't, things will be made worse.

Another thing is, if she treats you horribly and you reward her by working harder to make her happy, not only will it send her the wrong message by rewarding her malice, but it will make her respect you even less.

In any case, I hope you can share enough information that we can diagnose this properly and help. And please understand my question about an affair--it isn't to scare or worry, it is just because her malice is a common sympton and I would hate to make things worse if the possibility isn't considered.

God bless you.

[aquignon1]

I agree. More info is needed. We can't speculate, otherwise we'll give advise based on false information and do more harm than good.

It could be many things.

This isn't a speculation, but is it possible your wife is having an affair? I've done a lot of study on women's adultery and malice towards the husband is a common symptom. The short version is that affairs contradict the kind and faithful image we have of women, and when a woman does it, the only way to hold on to this image is to make her husband the culprit. I'm not accusing your wife of having an affair, nor am I trying to scare you, I'm just asking if this is a possibility (and hopefully it is not) because her behavior is in line with it. If it is the case, and we act like it isn't, things will be made worse.

Another thing is, if she treats you horribly and you reward her by working harder to make her happy, not only will it send her the wrong message by rewarding her malice, but it will make her respect you even less.

In any case, I hope you can share enough information that we can diagnose this properly and help. And please understand my question about an affair--it isn't to scare or worry, it is just because her malice is a common sympton and I would hate to make things worse if the possibility isn't considered.

God bless you.

Absolutely do not jump to any conclusions. I have to say, from the pink perspective, that malice does not equal an affair. Just prior to my leaving my husband (before we worked things out) I was very malicious. I was spiteful, angry, openly (unrepentantly) disrespectful, and vengeful.

My husband was having an affair. I had "known" in my heart, suspected for over a year. It turns out I was right. But, before that, my husband left me emotionally and mentally. He spent ALL of his time working or with his friends. He changed his schedule (stayed up all night), so we never spent any time together. The only time we talked was stressful and unpleasant. Then he began an emotional affair which led to him asking me for a divorce and "her" for marriage.

Before I knew of "her" existence, I was pretty awful to my husband, but I know now that I was feeling like he didn't love me anymore. He failed to love me in MY language. Oh, he showed me respect, but that is not what I needed. It was nice, but it's like getting cake when you are desperate for "real" food. Just as my love for him fell short of giving him what he needed, respect.

We absolutely need information. We just don't have any, therefore we cannot take the chance of putting damaging things in someone's head.

[JnC2004]

Absolutely do not jump to any conclusions. I have to say, from the pink perspective, that malice does not equal an affair. Just prior to my leaving my husband (before we worked things out) I was very malicious. I was spiteful, angry, openly (unrepentantly) disrespectful, and vengeful.

My husband was having an affair. I had "known" in my heart, suspected for over a year. It turns out I was right. But, before that, my husband left me emotionally and mentally. He spent ALL of his time working or with his friends. He changed his schedule (stayed up all night), so we never spent any time together. The only time we talked was stressful and unpleasant. Then he began an emotional affair which led to him asking me for a divorce and "her" for marriage.

Before I knew of "her" existence, I was pretty awful to my husband, but I know now that I was feeling like he didn't love me anymore. He failed to love me in MY language. Oh, he showed me respect, but that is not what I needed. It was nice, but it's like getting cake when you are desperate for "real" food. Just as my love for him fell short of giving him what he needed, respect.

We absolutely need information. We just don't have any, therefore we cannot take the chance of putting damaging things in someone's head.

I agree, and I said that in my post. I'll repeat myself. I'm not saying she is, I hope she isn't. Assuming she is will make things worse if she isn't, not considering the possibility if she is will too. I know malice does not equal an affair, it is just a sympton, like it is of many things.

I'm just saying don't rule it out. It absolutely was not speculation. It like if someone is showing a sympton of cancer, you don't want to scare them by considering the possibility, but you also know how serious it is to misdiagnose something. It's not the same as telling them they have it.

I'll repeat, I'm not saying she is. (If a husband were acting like this, more people would have asked his wife if an affair was possibility, and few would object.)

We're all on the same page, we want correct information to help him properly.

[Corwin999]

Guys and gals, I think it's unfortunate to say we can't speculate, then start speculating. I don't think this is helping.

[JnC2004]

Guys and gals, I think it's unfortunate to say we can't speculate, then start speculating. I don't think this is helping.

With all respect, there is a huge difference between asking something that is very relevent to give accurate advice (an inquiry) and making an assumption and giving advice based on that assumption absent any facts (a speculation).

I did not accuse his wife of anything, I'm just asking if it is a possibility. I'm not going to say the "a" word again because I don't have enough information (which is why I asked). And honestly, I won't get drug into a debate about the definition of "speculation." (I've seen threads on the boards on themarriagebed.com, crosswalk.com, and catholicanswers.com where the wife makes a post similar to this, and this question naturally comes up with little objection.)

We all want what's best. I just hope our feedback is based on the truth.

In any case, I'll wait for jesse's questions or comments before I post on this thread again. In the meantime, him and his wife are in my prayers for God's guidance.

Best wishes,
JnC

[katchmoleen]

Don't know if Jesse has returned, but just in case....I think my husband could write this post and I can tell you exactly why I have felt the way I have felt about his so-called expressions of love. My husband is a very verbal person, and I am not. He talks and talks and talks but does very little listening to me. He read somewhere that women like flowers and being told "I love you," so that is the only way he expresses his love to me. But since it is not being backed up by actions that would be meaningful to me, such as helping me with the housework when I am overwhelmed, or taking care of me and the kids when I am sick, it is meaningless babble to me. Especially since I have told him that point blank. But it is my problem because I don't react the way "a woman should". I realize I need to appreciate that he at least tries to express his love, and I will work on that. But from the other end, since you are a guy who is asking (my husband is not at this point!) ask her straight out, "What is a meaningful way that I can express my love to you?" and ask her forgiveness for any lack of love on your part. My husband gets really irritated when I don't fit the Dr. Laura (his personal idol) image of a woman. But the point is that we are all individuals.

[Corwin999]

katchmoleen, I feel for you. I have experienced this situation as well.

As far as the Love Languages model (and all models contain truth, but are all incomplete) the most important thing about using that model is determining which love language your spouse responds to - not simply to pick a couple you like. That's like saying "you should respond well to Swedish, I thinnk I'll speak Swedish" when you don't speak Swedish.

The most important Love Language for most men is Respect.